Spørg en fyr: Min kæreste er stresset og trækker sig væk ...

cindy davis dette hjalp mig virkelig med at forstå ham bedre. jeg bliver nødt til at se videoerne om flere ting der foregår. tak 16. juli 2020, 20:50 raine min kæreste på 4 år lukker alt, hvad han er stresset. godt den sidste episode har varet 2 måneder nu. vi skulle flytte sammen og blive gift i år. han har blokeret mig for alle sociale mediekonti undtagen gor en. han returnerer ikke mine beskeder og har også blokeret mit nummer. dette er blevet gammelt. Jeg ved, dette er hans mestringsmekanisme, men jeg kan ikke klare det. Jeg har rant og bønfaldt og grædt. han lovede mig bare et par uger før dette skete, ville han ikke gøre det mere. jeg elsker ham så meget. de andre 300 dage om året er han min soulmate. når dette sker, og det er sket 2 gange allerede på 3 år, stiller jeg spørgsmålstegn ved alt. Jeg ved, at hans job er ud over stressende. men jeg har ekstra stress, når han forsvinder. hvad skal man gøre? hvad skal man gøre? 26. april 2020, 09:59 luna Jeg har været sammen med en meget succesrig professionel, der også gør en masse ekstra arbejde inden for nonprofit og uddannelse. vi gik på 7 datoer over 8 uger, og han var altid romantisk og generøs på disse datoer, dvs. dyre restauranter, shows, serenader mig på sin guitar, blomster, fortæller mig, at han var forelsket i mig og afhængig af mig, flirtende tekster ... efter den 5. date, bemærkede jeg, at han sendte en besked til mig sjældnere og nogle gange tog dage at svare. han nævnte, at han gennemgik nogle stressende familie ting, og jeg antog, at det var relateret til en familie sygdom. på vores 7. dato fortalte han mig, at hans forælder var kollapset et par dage før og var på hospitalet fra en sygdom, der var relateret til afhængighed. han fortalte mig, at han var ekstremt stresset, fordi det bragte gamle problemer op for ham, og han advarede mig om, at når han er stresset, trækker han sig væk fra alle og har brug for tid og plads alene. en uge før jul fortalte han mig, at hans far var blevet optaget på en klinik, og at han var bekymret for, at hans far ikke ville forpligte sig til programmet. han var syg med influenza og til tider sendte jeg en besked til mig lige før midnat om at sige hej, og at han lige var kommet ud af arbejde. han bad ikke om at se mig, men han tog sig tid til at se sine venner. Jeg sendte ham en gang besked med taknemmelige tekster, som han reagerede positivt på, men derefter ikke ville fortsætte samtalen. i den fjerde uge, hvor jeg ikke så ham, var jeg i slutningen af ​​mit reb, og jeg sendte en besked til ham om, at jeg forstod, at han gennemgik meget, og at han også havde travlt med arbejde, men at jeg gerne vil møde ham til indhente, fordi vores kommunikation ikke var, som den plejede at være, og det havde været 4 uger siden vi havde set hinanden. svarede han, at han var klar over, at han trak sig væk, og at han havde brug for mere tid til sig selv, da han kæmpede for at finde jordforbindelse. han fortalte mig, at familiens problemer stadig varede og forårsagede meget stress. han sagde, at han meget gerne ville se mig i fremtiden, men at han lige nu havde brug for tid alene. han fortalte mig, at han forstod, om det var uacceptabelt for mig, men at han håbede, at jeg ville vente på ham og give ham lidt mere tid. Jeg svarede, at jeg var blevet såret og forvirret i løbet af ferien, fordi vi ikke så hinanden, men at jeg forstod, at han havde brug for plads og tid. Jeg værdsatte, at han gav mig en klarhed, og jeg vil gerne have, at vi kommunikerer bedre. Jeg fortalte ham, at jeg respekterede, passede ham og ønsket ham lykke. siden vores sidste tekstsamtale for 2 uger siden, har ingen af ​​os nået ud til hinanden. Jeg finder det virkelig svært at ikke se eller tale med ham, men ud fra hvad jeg har læst i forholdsartikler, herunder denne om at give en mand plads, når han trækker sig væk fra stress, er det den bedste fremgangsmåde. nogle dage er jeg så travlt selv, at jeg ikke rigtig har tid til at tænke på ham, men når jeg gør det, bliver jeg ganske deprimeret. eventuelle tanker eller råd ville blive meget værdsat ... 28. januar 2018, 19:57 jen hey luna, hvad endte du med at gøre? blev det bedre med din fyr? Jeg er i en lignende situation, og jeg er ikke sikker på, hvad jeg skal gøre: / 17. september 2018, 22:10 aparna hej… .så min bf går gennem en hård tid n har han lukket mig ud ... han har også gjort det før n han tager en måned på en av til at vende tilbage normalt ... selvom han genkender at han er egoistisk, men han fortsætter med at gøre det ... han er en slags håndtering hans egne problemer på sin egen person nm modsat, jeg har altid brug for nogen, jeg har lyst til, at dette er den eneste ting, der kan sabotere vores forhold ... jeg er så frustreret og er ikke i stand til at fokusere på noget, n vud bruger bestemt hjælp ... nogen med et forslag en kommentar 6. november 2017, 09:19 michelle ive har været kausale venner med den samme mand i 7 år nu. men de sidste 6 mund, vi er kommet tættere på. se mere af hver og blive hos begge hjem. når vi er sammen, er han så kærlig, og vi er glade. for nylig fortalte han mig, at han ikke hvad jeg skal møde nogen anden. den næste ignorerer han mine sms'er. eller bare sms'er mig for at sige hej og at det er meget forvirret, han kan ikke lide at blive stillet spørgsmål. hvad skal jeg gøre 30. juli 2017, 17:09 dm eric dette er så godt sagt ... så sandt. min kæreste går igennem en rigtig hård tid, og han har fladt ud fortalt mig, at det ikke er mig, det er ham. af natur er jeg plejer, men dit råd om ikke at få ham til at føle medlidenhed er så nøjagtig. selvom det nogle gange er vanskeligt at give ham plads, gør jeg det. tak for at bekræfte, hvad jeg troede, er den rigtige ting at gøre. nu kvinder .... lyt op !!! 10. juni 2017, 14:13 barbara hej jeg er i samme situation, som jeg gerne vil vide, hvis nogen har et forslag? denne fyr siger, at jeg ønsker bedre, men jeg kan ikke give slip på ham? tak 7. maj 2017, 14:53 barbara og han har ting, der plager ham, og jeg ville virkelig ønske, at jeg kunne hjælpe ham, men idk, hvad de er nøjagtigt, og vi gjorde ikke ' t kontakt i en uge, og jeg savner ham så meget. Jeg kiggede på hans fb, han havde ingen forholdsstatus, og nu skriver det single. Jeg er meget bekymret for ham. 7. maj 2017, 14:55 ingen Jeg er ked af, men mænd har brug for at vokse op. vi har alle problemer, så dit svar er at skubbe din partner væk? nu skal jeg være alene og sexløs, fordi du er under stress? hvad ville der ske, hvis bordene blev vendt? faktisk ved jeg allerede svaret. efter at du har fået babyen, og du er 'stresset', ammer osv., at mand-dreng begynder at klage, 'hvad med mine behov?' for meget ansvar falder i kvindens skød. hvis din mand gør dette, er han umoden. vent det på egen risiko. 24. februar 2017, 13:54 mkamille Jeg tror, ​​at denne artikel bare hjalp mig med at finde ud af min situation med min fyr ... han har for nylig været igennem økonomiske problemer, problemer med hans døtre mor, børnebidrag, pantforhøjelse .. osv. dybest set ting at stresse ham ud .. og jeg får det .. Jeg har været i hans hjørne fra dag ét og har vist, at jeg er her for ham at hjælpe ham, men han blev mere og mere tilbagetrukket. han stod op, når jeg forsøgte at tilbyde hjælp, eller fortalte ham, at jeg bad for ham, eller ville ønske ham held og lykke eller prøvede at hjælpe ham med at løse sine problemer .. og han ville også fortælle mig, at han ikke var fyren for mig .. og at fortsætte og nyde mit liv .. uden ham .. fordi han sagde han gør ondt indeni .. og jeg ville fortælle ham, lad mig beslutte om han er for mig eller ej .. jeg føler hans smerte .. han er min bedste ven, men han har helt lukket ned for denne helt forskellige person, og jeg ved ikke, hvordan jeg skal behandle det. ja, jeg indrømmer, jeg har taget det personligt, fordi jeg har været mere end venlig og omsorgsfuld over for ham i løbet af denne tid. Jeg forventede aldrig noget fra ham .. Jeg har været mere end tålmodig med ham, jeg lytter til ham, når han taler om sine problemer .. og bare forsøger at forstå, men nu er han tavs .. jeg har prøvet at ringe, intet svar, intet svar på tekst eller e-mail .. går jeg bare af ?? Jeg er så bekymret for ham, jeg kan ikke gøre noget andet .. mit naturlige instinkt er at hjælpe ham med at klare .. hvad foreslår du, jeg gør? 21. februar 2017, 18:09 ehsa hej. Jeg gennemgår den samme situation. Jeg har ventet på at møde en perfekt fyr hele mit liv, og jeg fandt endelig en der er min yang. vi talte om at blive gift, og vores familier ved det. desværre har han gennem en måned gennemgået økonomispørgsmål. Jeg mener, han er ved at miste sit hus, virksomheden er under vandet. han er bekymret, hvis han bliver gift, ville han ikke være i stand til at gøre mig glad eller give vores børn et liv. han lukkede mig af og sagde sårende ting som 'jeg fortjener bedre' eller han vil være alene. selvom jeg oprindeligt stak ham, forsøgte jeg at 'løse hans problemer' og tilbød hjælp. gennem denne artikel indser jeg nu, at jeg ikke skulle have gjort det. alligevel fortalte jeg ham allerede, jeg ville give rigelig plads til ham til at finde ud af tingene. han ringer stadig til mig dagligt. og jeg bringer ikke hans 'stressorer op'. uanset om du lige er begyndt at gå sammen eller har planer om at blive gift, er den bedste løsning at være 'være der' uden at tilbyde ham løsninger. for når han først har gennemgået tingene, ville han være så glad for, at en vidunderlig person har støttet ham hele tiden. 26. september 2018, 1:13 am nakia så taknemmelig, jeg fandt denne artikel !!!!! sidste år (2016) gik min kæreste virkelig igennem det! det begyndte i januar, han blev syg med lungebetændelse, og på grund af sværhedsgraden af ​​den blev han anbragt i lægeorlov, indtil alt var tilbage til det normale. (husk, han er en lastbilchauffør, så for ham ikke at være på vej, tog en vejafgift på ham) lad os hurtigt fremad 2 måneder (marts 2016), hans yndlingsfætter bliver dræbt i en hit and run-ulykke. han har til opgave at lægge størstedelen af ​​pengene til begravelsesarrangementer og også overtage den efterladte ejendom. det tager endnu en måned at begrave sin fætter (familiekrige). efter alle spørgsmål og endelig er begravelsen af ​​denne fætter afsluttet, lærer han, at endnu et familiemedlem er passeret. (april 2016) heldigvis blev han ikke bedt om at lægge penge til denne. efter alt dette har fundet sted, finder jeg ud af, at han ville være meget fjern (med rette), så jeg forsøgte ikke at genere ham for meget. en uge var der dog noget, der gnavede mig for at kontakte ham, jeg kunne ikke sove natten før, jeg havde brug for at vide, hvad der foregik. Jeg ringede til ham den morgen og kom for at finde ud af, at hans mor var gået fra et slagtilfælde. (maj 2016) midt i at hjælpe fætre og tanter beskæftigede han sig også med sin mors helbredsproblemer. (dette vidste jeg ikke) selvfølgelig med en livsændrende begivenhed som denne vil man trække sig tilbage. lad os spole frem til dette nye år (2017) babe er stadig trukket tilbage. Jeg har talt med ham et par gange, men han siger, at han gennemgår meget og bare ikke rigtig har lyst til at tale, han siger, at han hellere vil bede om alt (som jeg helhjertet opmuntrer) og når han er klar til at tale, vil han .... Fra dette punkt fremad er han gået i fuldstændig lukningstilstand! intet opkald, sms, e-mail, røgsignal, intet. ——————————————————- inden jeg snublede over denne artikel, kunne jeg lide de fleste, jeg tog det som et tegn på, at han ikke længere ville være generet af mig og hvad har jeg gjort det? havde jeg været for hård på ham og bedt ham om at tale med mig om det. havde forsøgt at kontakte ham, fik ham til at trække sig endnu mere tilbage. Jeg vidste simpelthen ikke, hvad jeg skulle gøre på dette tidspunkt. hvad jeg lavede, virkede tydeligvis ikke, så jeg var nødt til at stoppe op og tænke igen. det er det, der får mig til at søge hjælp! jeg er sååååååååååååå taknemmelig for dig eric. Jeg ved nu hvad jeg skal gøre. som man siger, når man ved bedre, gør man det bedre! tak skal du have! 27. januar 2017, 11:09 am nissa jeg har virkelig brug for hjælp, så mit år og jeg halvdel af bf har ændret sig, han bryr sig ikke mere, han finder altid en måde at kæmpe på, selv kaldte mig en løgner, jeg blev syg, men det var som om der ikke skete noget for mig, han ændrede sig fuldstændigt, han har ignoreret mig i næsten 2 måneder nu, og da jeg fortalte ham, at han var ond og lidt af en, selvom jeg ikke opgav ham, at Jeg var otte, og han sagde, at han havde brug for tid, at vi har brug for tid, jeg er gået tabt, jeg ved ikke, hvad jeg skal gøre, jeg vil endda bryde op med ham, selvom jeg stadig elsker ham, hjælp mig nogen, pls 19. januar 2017, 6: 58 am eanat wow dette fik mig til at føle mig 10 gange dårligere. hvordan løser du det? Jeg har været alt det ovenstående for min bf i to år og begyndte at være så drænet, at jeg ikke kunne klare al modstanden, så vi brød op. nu læser jeg dette og forstår fuldt ud, men hvad kan jeg gøre ved det nu. Jeg elsker ham og vil ikke have os til at være forbi. 24. december 2016, 16:27 cassandra lawlor hej jeg kæmper og at læse dette hjælper lidt. min historie er, at min mand og jeg har kendt hinanden siden børn og den første dreng, der kyssede mig og sprang over 23 år, han var stofmisbruger og var vold i hjemmet i sit tidligere forhold. han ringede til mig for at bede om hjælp og blive ren og håndtere sit forhold, der sluttede og havde brug for hjælp til at finde sig selv igen og få ckean og hjælp til ikke at begå vold i hjemmet, og i løbet af de sidste 6 måneder blev tingene mellem os mere involverede, og vi planlægger sammen futures og gør alt sammen sammen, men i fredags var han ked af det, og vi kæmpede ikke rigtig, men han gik ud og har ikke været hjemme siden. hans bliver hos sin mor, og hun fortæller ham at tage et skridt tilbage og mandag sagde han, at vi stadig er sammen, men han bliver hos sin mor og skal finde sin uafhængighed, men ikke tale med mig, og jeg er vild og jeg prøver at give plads, og jeg er bange for, at jeg mister min bedste ven min partner hjælp 22. november 2016, 10:36 v så hvad hvis det at trække sig væk er virkelig en tegn på depression? min mand trak sig væk for en måned siden. siden han fandt ud af, at han havde svær depression, og jeg er den eneste, han har åbnet op for om det. han siger, at han har brug for tid til at blive bedre uden mig. Jeg har tidligere haft depression, og ja, du skubber folk væk, fordi følelser er vanskelige at behandle, når de er overvældet af problemer. så skal jeg tjekke ind for at se, hvordan han har det i dette tilfælde? 21. august 2016, 18:31 anon Jeg er enig med Jessicas indlæg. Jeg forstår, hvad din artikel siger, men hvordan holder en pige op med at være vred og opretholder tålmodighed. jeg har personligt lyst til at gå væk, det er så koldt, når der ikke er noget bevis for, at han prøver at holde forbindelse med mig. det føles som om han ikke engang ville bemærke hvis jeg forlod rel, men så føler jeg mig ond på samme tid, at føle denne måde at kende hans situation, og en stor del af ham er arbejdsløs er at prøve at få arbejde i nærheden af ​​mig i stedet for interstate. når vi sammen er det strålende, men derimellem kan det nu være uger med at sidde fast bag en usynlig mur. jeg kan ikke lide det. Jeg ved, jeg vælger at være med i det. Jeg ved bare ikke, om / hvornår det var tid til at sige Ive havde nok. lige nu ville være ond. og det virker vanvittigt at efterlade nogen, hvis personlighedskarakter er perfekt for mig. men jeg har lyst til, at min kærlighed og opmærksomhed bliver ”returneret til afsenderen” med ingen eller ikke meget anerkendelse. 9. august 2016, 8:11 aparna hej anon..jeg er helt enig med dig faktisk det ser ud til, at du er i mit hoved eller noget, fordi du bogstaveligt talt tog mine ord ... .im toi føler det samme, jeg vil holde fast i cuz, jeg vidste, han går igennem en hård tid, men på samme tid har jeg det som om jeg shud beder ham om at stoppe med at gøre dette eller tage nogle hårde skridt ... læsning af din kommentar fik mig til at føle mig så god cuz nu vidste jeg ikke, at jeg var alene ... så ja, det gør jeg, hvordan gjorde du det 6. november 2017, 11:00 rory22 denne fyr og jeg arbejder i samme kontor, hmmm for nogle måneder tilbage besluttede vi at komme ind i hele vennerne med fordele slags., før det plejede vi at lejlighedsvis sms'e, så vi begyndte at mødes med abs tilbringe tid sammen en fin dag, vi gjorde det, og det var sidste gang vi havde sex, selvom vi planlagde at gøre det i fremtiden, brugte vi mere tid på at lære hinanden at kende. snart daglige opkald begyndte at strømme ind for at tjekke mig og dybest set tale med mig inden dagen slutter, han plejede at sige, at jeg gør ham glad, og at han nød mit selskab, jeg fandt det underligt, fordi vi forbandt på et andet niveau og ikke i en, som venner med fordele gør, men samtidig plejede han at sige ting som 'ikke falde for mig' og en dag kiggede jeg bare på ham og sagde 'hvis du fortæller en person ikke at falde for dig, betyder det ikke de vil ikke eller omvendt 'svarer han 'måske bruger jeg bare omvendt psykologi på dig' vi fik derefter et lille fald, men vi ryddede det op, da det var en misforståelse, han satte kursen mod en tur og i løbet af den tid vi sendte det ikke meget, da han var i et andet land, men da han kom tilbage, blev tingene genoptaget. denne måned var hans venners bryllup, og han var den bedste mand, så han plejede at øve sin tale om mig, og jeg føler, at han deler en masse af sine fremtidige planer og ting med mig, tingene gik okay, selvom vi ikke har mødt siden han kom tilbage Da han har været temmelig syg, taler vi stadig hver dag for nylig i denne uge, og jeg spurgte ham, om han var fri, da vi havde filmplaner, svarede han og sagde 'kom hjem tidligt, kastede op, jeg skal tale med dig tomo' svarede jeg og sagde 'ahh igen? cool pas på ”han klikker pludselig bare på mig og går” det behøver jeg ikke at vide, men tak ”hmmm den følgende dag var han tilbage til normal, men så igen havde vi en lille tiff da min eks kom ind i billedet han sagde, at det udsatte ham, men på samme tid sagde han, at han ikke er ligeglad og vil ikke vide noget, og at det er et lille problem, og jeg skulle bekymre mig, men det udsætter for ham, nu er han væk med mig, så jeg har ikke ' Ikke rigtig sms'et ne, men jeg er super super forvirret, fordi jeg føler, jeg er i et forhold uden etiketten, fordi de fleste ting, han siger, adskiller sig fra hans handlinger, jeg kan godt lide ham, og jeg har ikke noget imod at sige det, men jeg ville i det mindste ønske at vide, hvad der muligvis kan være i hans sind, fordi ting ikke kan tilføjes for mig 28. juni 2016, kl.15: 10 sandi min bf gennemgår økonomiske problemer forårsaget af hans ex og ønsker at være alene, indtil han kan finde ud af det. hvordan kan jeg bare lade ham være i fred? gør jeg ikke noget mod ham? hvordan kan jeg støtte ham og sørge for, at han ikke bare afslutter det? 27. maj 2016, 10:41 samantha denne artikel hjalp mig meget, jeg har det bedre og jeg sætter stor pris på det tak :) 26. april 2016 , 1:53 am ana hvordan kan jeg få afklaret min situation? fordi jeg har en fornemmelse af, at jeg ved, hvad jeg skal gøre, og hvad der er sket med mit forhold, men jeg vil ikke bare antage, mens jeg er den følelsesmæssige type person. tak 22. februar 2016, 04:53 frankie Jeg har været i push pull-position nu i et par måneder. Jeg har aldrig haft denne oplevelse før og må sige, at det har været ret uddannelse. Jeg mødte en fyr, der var den sejeste, sjoveste, mest organiske, åben, gratis og ærlig. vi klikkede med det samme, som jeg følte, fik ham til at føle sig godt tilpas til at dele ting, som en nyligt dateret mand måske ikke ville. meget af det, han fortalte mig, var i forbifarten med ikke meget detaljer. Jeg var så pakket ind i spændingen ved at møde ham, jeg stillede ikke spørgsmål og tog måske ikke det så alvorligt eller ville bare ikke høre det. det er nogle af de ting, han sagde .. han er deprimeret hver dag. folk som ham begår selvmord, jeg vil aldrig se ham sur, hans familie mener, at han skal have medicin, han deltog i vredehåndtering, hans datter vil ikke have noget med ham at gøre, han har store tillidsproblemer, han er paranoid, han ser porno for meget, han kan ikke få et job hans eks kone ville ikke være enig i, at han er en god fyr ok ... når du hører disse ting i forbipasserende en ad gangen, er det ikke alt for alarmerende, men når jeg viser dem ... omfg. Jeg bemærkede en forandring i ham meget hurtigt i vores kendskab til hinanden. det begyndte virkelig at invadere min tænkning og god dømmekraft. Jeg fortsatte med at undskylde for ham og beskyldte mig selv for måske at komme for stærk .... eller ikke rigtig lytte til hans signaler, som han tydeligvis forsøgte at advare mig om. Jeg holder af mennesker, især dem, som jeg har startet en historie med. Jeg er klar over, at vi aldrig kan være et par. det håber jeg bestemt at være en ven. en venlig afstand er ok, især når du føler dig overvældet. det betyder ikke, at du er ligeglad, skal betyder at du skal passe dig selv mere 10. februar 2016, 23:47 billieann wow !! super hjælpsom læsning, forklarer meget af, hvad jeg for nylig har gennemgået efter at have flyvet for at se min potentielle fyr. han gennemgår masser af stressende situationer, der har fået ham til at trække sig tilbage i sin hule, indtil han ved hvad han skal gøre. Jeg har lyst til, at dette er et latterligt spørgsmål, men jeg vil alligevel lægge det derude; hver person er forskellig i, hvordan de håndterer deres stress, men kan det få en fyr, der var kærlig, ikke til at være kærlig? tak! 6. januar 2016, 02:09 frankie ja! det går jeg igennem nu. efter min erfaring trækker de væk, når mænd er under stress. det har intet at gøre med dig. de er ikke altid i stand til at udtrykke sig som os kvinder. Jeg har to brødre og ser også dette mønster med dem. af noget i deres liv er stenet, går de til deres skal og bliver meget stille. hvis jeg prøver at tale med dem, møder jeg oftest modstand og siger derefter, at de ikke vil tale om det. dating er det samme. bare giv ham plads. 11. februar 2016, 1:53 am amanda vi er langdistance… vi sender hver dag normalt sms og sender hinanden billeder regelmæssigt, og vi har begge udtrykt hvor meget det gør vores dag, når vi modtager billeder af hinanden. han gennemgår en hård tid lige nu og i går aftes bad jeg ham om at tage al den tid, han har brug for, og jeg er her, når han vil tale. tror du at sende ham et smilende billede og sige have en god dag! er en god måde at være en kilde af kærlighed og beundring og fortælle ham, at jeg tænker på ham, men at lade ham ordne dette? 8. december 2015, 12:04 stacy lige for nylig fundet denne artikel og ønskede lidt indsigt. jeg var sammen med en fyr i over et år, vi havde altid et godt forhold, hvis alt hvad det var den afstand, der til tider føltes tung, vi havde uenigheder, men vi løste dem som to modne voksne. hurtigt frem til nu har han trukket sig væk fra mig lige efter at han fortalte mig, at han havde denne meget elskede drøm om mig, og jeg txtede ham ikke i en hel uge, vi taler normalt ikke hver dag, men flertallet, så er jeg klar over, at han er deprimeret, så jeg aldrig sms'ede ham, jeg holdt mig i ro, men han opdaterede sin whatsapp-status, og jeg sendte en besked til ham ved bare at spørge, om han var okay, og så sagde jeg, at hvis du nogensinde vil tale, er jeg her, ikke sikker på, om det var en dårlig idé eller ikke, men jeg elsker denne fyr, jeg har lige forsøgt at holde mig rolig og være forståelig, men jeg ved ikke, hvad jeg virkelig skulle gøre, jeg føler mig bare forvirret, jeg ved også, at hans studier og arbejds- og familieliv er en kamp for ham hans far døde, da han var barn, og han passer lidt på sin familie. hjælp venligst :( hvad skal jeg gøre? 30. november 2015, 16:31 vittighed nej, hvis fyren virkelig værner om dig og holder af dig og er moden nok som en mand, han skal ikke lade sin kvinde være høj og tørre ud af det blå når som helst. sikker på, han har brug for plads til at samle sig, han har brug for plads til at helbrede, men det er ikke rigtigt, mens han helbreder sig selv, men gør ondt til sin kvinde. han forlader hende undret, ikke respekteret og såret. det er ikke kærlighed. hvis du virkelig elsker hende, skal du fortælle hende, inden du trækker dig væk, rådgive hende, at du er i en hård situation og har brug for styrke til at ordne det, fortæl hende, at du elsker hende, og du vil fortsætte røre, men ikke ude af kontakt. folk siger altid, kvinder er usikre, trængende, men nu kan jeg se, en mand med denne form for opførsel er mere usikker end en kvinde, og det er ham, der bringer usikkerheden ud af en sikker kvinde ... han stoler ikke på den kvinde, han har været sammen med, han stoler ikke på, hvad de har sammen. Jeg er kvinde, jeg har også mine hårde tider, det meste af tiden, hårdere og hårdere end din g uys ', jeg bliver stille, jeg bliver deprimeret, jeg går afstand, jeg bliver kold, men kun til dem, jeg er ligeglad med så meget, til dem der ikke kan røre ved mit hjerte. men jeg gjorde det aldrig mod den, jeg elsker dybt, uanset hvad jeg skal stå over for i livet, uanset hvor hård og hård jeg er i livet, der er altid et ømt blødt sted for den fyr, jeg elsker, jeg smelter. så hvis der er en ægte dyb ægte kærlighed, bør der ikke være pludselige pull-aways, i stedet bør det være en glat, omsorgsfuld, fredelig og tillidsfuld oplevelse for både mand og kvinde, en værdifuld tid til at forbinde dybere med hinanden . pull-aways out of blue beskadiger kun forholdet, udløser begge parters usikkerhed og bryder den tillid, som I har opbygget med hinanden over tid. 20. oktober 2015, 15:36 erica Jeg læser dette flere måneder senere, men jeg må sige, at du har helt ret. endelig noget sund fornuft i kommentarfeltet! 28. juni 2016, 11:16 jennifer Jeg har brugt dette websted et par gange, og det har hjulpet enormt! tak skal du have!!!!!!!!! 5. oktober 2015, 18:37 Eric Charles dejligt at høre - tak! 5. oktober 2015, 19:53 daggry jeg er nødt til at spørge om mænd, der trækker sig tilbage og trækker sig væk. Jeg datede med en mand for 21 år siden, som jeg var vild med. på det tidspunkt vidste jeg ikke, hvordan han følte mig. vi krydsede stier i 2011, men på det tidspunkt blev jeg gift. for tre uger siden faldt han på mig. vi arbejder inden for samme felt. jeg nåede ud til ham via e-mail, og han svarede. Vi udvekslede et par hurtige e-mails om, hvordan vi har været, og efter at han lærte, at jeg nu var skilt, bad han mig om at ringe til ham. det gjorde jeg, og vi talte lidt. han fortsatte med at fortælle mig, at han ville elske at mødes til en drink, at han altid havde et sted i sit hjerte for mig, og at jeg var den ene kvinde, som han så tilbage og ønskede, at han kunne gøre det over. han ønskede at mødes den aften, men jeg havde allerede planer. mine planer blev annulleret sent, og jeg smsede ham. han annullerede straks sine planer, og vi mødtes til drinks. ingen af ​​os var berusede. vi sad og talte indtil kl. 02 i baren og lo, og da vi gik for at gå, gik han mig til min bil og kyssede mig. han blev overrasket og så næsten chokeret ud. Jeg spurgte, hvad der var galt ... og han sagde 'hvordan kan jeg kysse dig, og det føles som om jeg aldrig stoppede med at kysse dig ... som 21 år aldrig gik?' vi endte med at sidde i hans lastbil på parkeringspladsen og talte til kl. han holdt mig i armene, fortalte mig, at jeg var den, som han altid følte, at han lod slippe væk, at han ikke ville lade mig gå dengang eller nogensinde, at han altid følte sig forbundet med mig, at han ønskede, at han kunne gå tilbage, og han ville aldrig have ladet mig gå ud af sit liv (han brød op med mig dengang). han fortalte mig, at han brød op med mig, fordi han på det tidspunkt var et par år yngre og følte, at han ikke havde en karriere eller noget at tilbyde mig. vi forlod den aften, og han sendte straks en sms til mig, da han kom hjem, at han ikke kan vente med at se mig igen og allerede savnede mig. han har ringet til mig 2x siden da, næsten hverdagens ting ... hvordan har jeg været. men ingen omtale af at se mig igen. nu er det næsten en uge siden jeg har hørt fra ham ?! Jeg har brug for en vis indsigt i, hvorfor han naturligvis bakker op ?? 19. august 2015, 16:54 soraya Jeg gennemgår en meget hård tid lige nu. min kæreste på 7 år, som jeg holder af og elsker meget, går igennem depression på grund af at miste sit job, samle sin bil, miste sin bedstemor inden for et år. han ser ikke ud til at finde et job, fordi han ikke vil nøjes med mindre. han tjente ret gode penge. godt han gennemgår disse episoder af dyb depression, hvor han ikke vil have noget med nogen at gøre. han klikker ud af det, men så sker det igen. jeg bliver så syg og træt af det. Jeg har ladet ham få plads, og alt hvad han gør, er at sende mig tilfældige hadefulde beskeder. ikke ligefrem mod mig, men det gør ondt i mine følelser. for eksempel sender han mig anti-religion billeder. Jeg ved, at han gør det med vilje, fordi jeg altid fortæller ham, at jeg beder for ham. Jeg har følt mig så såret og alene. nogle gange føler jeg, at jeg er ved at få et hjerteanfald, jeg får disse skarpe smerter i brystet, min mave vender sig, jeg er så væmmet af ham. Jeg er 29, og jeg har lyst til, at jeg aldrig finder nogen, hvis jeg forlader ham. jeg er så fortabt. Jeg forstår ikke, hvordan nogen kan behandle den person, de 'elsker' på en så forfærdelig måde. 28. juli 2015, 20:37 nicola jeg er ked af, at du går igennem dette. skat, hvis han elskede dig, ville han ikke tage dig gennem disse ændringer. det ser ud som om han tager sine frustrationer ud over personlige problemer ... hvis jeg var dig, ville jeg ikke tage kontakt i et stykke tid ... .. så når han sender besked, fortæller du ham, hvordan du har det. han ved, hvad han laver, er forkert. 1. september 2015, 13:37 robbie jeg og min bf / hendes husbond har været sammen i næsten 6 år. de første 3 var fantastiske. jeg havde fanget ham at se porno. som han vidste, at jeg hader. han undskyldte ... jeg fortalte ham, at jeg ville efterlade ham over det. alligevel, omkring det sidste år eller deromkring, har jeg været igennem nogle ting. fandt ud af, at jeg har livmoderkræft. fandt ud af, at min far er terminal med kræft i bugspytkirtlen i 4. trin. min hendes husbond er min klippe .. han har været min bedste ven. men igennem alt dette. han vil ikke give tid til mig. hans job kræver, at han rejser meget. så når han kommer hjem. vores samtaler er ikke særlig ofte. meget af hans slukketid er på xbox. det generer mig virkelig, at han virker så anderledes, da jeg først mødte ham. når jeg prøver at tale med ham, om vores forhold eller sex / mangel på. .. han bliver straks fornærmet og vil ikke tale l. eller siger, at han ikke vidste, at jeg ville. Jeg har gentagne gange fortalt ham, at jeg altid vil have det. især da jeg ikke ser ham ofte. det er ligesom ingen big deal for ham. det generer mig virkelig. Jeg elsker ham mere end noget andet i denne verden, alligevel er jeg så utilfreds. Jeg har fortalt ham disse ting. men intet. så jeg er ret træt af at prøve. Jeg er alvorligt ved at forlade ham. han er en fantastisk fyr. men han kender mig, hvordan jeg kan lide romantik ... jeg er blevet af med alle mine venner for ham. gjorde mange undtagelser for ham. Jeg fortsætter ikke med at tigge. aldrig gjort det før, jeg starter ikke nu. hjælp venligst? hvad skal man gøre? robbie 7. juni 2015, 07:14 angela tak for din artikel eric. Jeg byder det mandlige perspektiv velkommen. tilgiv mig, da jeg ikke havde til hensigt at skrive en så lang besked. Jeg tror, ​​at mange af de mænd, kvinderne her har talt om, lider af depression og ikke et simpelt tilfælde af 'at føle sig blå' eller 'føle sig lidt trist'. det er ikke noget, de bare kan snappe ud af. det er et psykisk problem. i have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and he goes through depressive episodes – feeling worthless, hopeless, the world is awe full, suicidal thoughts, withdrawal, the works. he refuses to get help. i have to constantly read about depression to get clarity and to ease my fears and yes anger and frustration. i encourage people to get educated on the subject as it helps tremendously. it requires a lot of love, patience and understanding. it is a constant battle and from what i understand and what i’ve been experiencing, you have to be truly committed to stay the course as it can be heartbreaking and cause you to even experience depression. we are cautioned that we have to take care of ourselves and don’t lose who you are, don’t stop doing what you love and have a life outside of the relationship. it has been extremely stressful but i made the choice to stay. one aspect that i can’t understand is this: nobody else knows my boyfriend goes through depression, he says i’m the only person he can talk to, that i’ve always been very supportive, kind and understanding – however, he cuts me off and doesn’t respond for days, even weeks on end but he still communicate with others. take for example (and imagine my surprise), i asked him earlier in the day how he was feeling and he said he’s not doing good, but later in the day on my facebook page, he’s tagged in a photo hanging out with friends cheesing (toothy smile). that’s over a week ago. he hasn’t responded to a single message i’ve sent, but he’s still communicating with others. someone please explain. on another note, eric, there needs to be more articles that tell men how to treat women, what they can do to help the relationship, etc. the onus is always on the woman to make things work. what are the man’s responsibilities? may 9, 2015, 7:42 am soraya hi angela. i can totally relate to you. my bf also has these depression issues and cuts me off because “he doesn’t want to be around anyone” yet he goes to his friends house and there’s always a bunch of ppl there. i sometimes feel like i’m part of his problem but he tells me i’m not. i don’t understand how he can cut off the person who loves him the most. (we’ve been together for 7 years) july 27, 2015, 10:33 pm nicola could it be his cheating an doesn’t want to be with you… im sorry but how his acting isnt normal at all i would cut him off september 1, 2015, 1:47 pm aly this helped me to understand why he’s more withdrawn (because i did the needy thing) but i have one question: how can i be a well of appreciation and admiration when my boyfriend just “huffs and puffs” and seems generally uninterested with me or anything else ? me, i do take it personally because i think i deserve better treatment than that. i’m willing to appreciate and admire, but frankly his attitude is really shitty and if i bow down to that, well that would be going against my pride… why is it that men are allowed to be prideful but women must be nurturing and submissive even when they guy is acting like a sucky baby ? may 5, 2015, 2:44 am chanel man oh man. this article literally answered my questions & let me know what i’ve been doing wrong. tak! april 19, 2015, 11:46 pm mindy hi, eric i wanted some added advice on this from my personal experience lately, my bf and i have been in a relationship for a year now. we talk every day through phone calls and texts but he recent got fired and has had a hard time getting a job the past couple of weeks, along with car issues and family dilemmas, so a lot is on his plate and i’m usually very supportive of that, and not pushy or over bearing, but i’ve also have had so stress so we’ve been arguing more the past week, and i’ve been kind of accusatory on and off, which i’ve made known, that i’m sorry for, but he’s been growing more distant, even when he says he misses me, and now is ignoring me after i asked him a simple question. i don’t know how to resolve this without coming on strong. i’m not used to being ignored much because i usually can step back, without conflict, so i’m at a loss. i know i was too much. all i can think to do is leave him be but it gives me anxiety. march 3, 2015, 6:48 am maggie this describes exactly what i’m going through with my partner right now. to a t february 20, 2015, 2:40 pm rebecca dump him! this is a bunch of crap. i just went through the same thing. i was there the whole way. the day of the funeral he went alone. his choice. i then found out he did nothing but lie about the whole time before his death. we made plans he would cancel at the last minute. said he was staying the weekend with his dad and his dad was in a nursing home. i called, text and he did nothing but ignore me. i started looking at sites about grieving partners and if he was that into you he wouldn’t shut you out. many women have been ignored and dumped when these immature men do this. they don’t have the decency to tell you that it’s over and this is the result. so get out now. tell him he is a jerk and move on! there is someone out there that will want to be with you and not treat you like this. february 1, 2015, 10:44 pm nicole please help eric, i have been in a ldr. we are both single parents. he came down this past wknd to meet my family and my girls. i was to go to his home town in feb to meet his family. the wknd was great, until the day he left on monday. he became distant and emotional, saying that he was depressed about leaving and going back to reality of work, bills being late due to a discrepancy with pto pay and missing me and my girls. when i dropped him off at the airport, he became emotional and kissed me and told me to go quickly bc he didn’t want to drag out the goodbye and cry in front of everyone there. i left and while walking away texted him saying how much i love him. he replied ” i love you too honey”. he made it home safely and texted me. he had to be up at 5am the next day for work and was not feeling well going from tropical weather to freezing, having a lot of sinus issues. tues he was in surgery cases all day at the hospital, i texted him mid morning saying i missed him and was thinking of him and he replied “hey babe, sick, been in long cases”. he texted me that eve giving me a heads up of what time he may be out of work, then later texted with “bad day”. i said i was sorry and he said “it’s ok”. i knew he was home and tried to call him an hour later and he didn’t answer. never got a until the next day, mid day. he said “i’m not feeling well, sorry i have been out of commission and my phone was turned off temp, i’m depressed and struggling with some things. i didn’t pay my bill and woke up to a phone turned off.” i texted him reassuring him i was there for him, loved him and we would get through whatever was going on together. the texts went from every sec to barely 2 a day, i cutely asked if i could get an i love you and he responded ” i do love you. i’m at work and miserable, in long cases. i may be on call every wknd in feb, just found out”. again, feb was when i was to go see him. i again apologized that he was going through a rough time. later he replied and said it seems his position is apparently no longer avail after feb, his mom was looking into a medical traveling company for him, things were really, really bad and he has to work all he can. he said he def wouldn’t be seeing me in feb and it was made very clear on the schedule, he wont have any free time for a while. the pull back is so strong and i am starting to take it personal, this is someone who texted and called me 24/7, telling me how much he loves me and wants to marry me, to now almost nothing. he has barely been on facebook, which is something he was constantly on before, and i mean constantly! he will log on for a split sec once a day. he hasn’t changed his relationship status with me and hasn’t removed any tagged posts from his trip here. i went in panic mode yesterday and texted him that i was becoming worried about him and i needed reassurance from him, just an i love you would make me feel safe. something to let me know it is not me or that our relationship is in danger. the behavior is so abnormal. how do you go from being in love to shutting me out. i tried to call him once last night and he texted he was at work and couldn’t answer, he just got out of an 8 hr case and about to go into another case. i texted back and said i am just concerned about you. again, this is someone who said he was so in love with me, wants to marry me, our daughters are attached and his daughter tells me she loves me, he would always make sure his daughter was part of our talks, we facetimed every night! i am backing off as of now, hopefully it is not too late though. what do i do?? january 16, 2015, 11:12 am melan hi iam very fany very hot december 29, 2014, 8:43 am melan sex my hobbes just like december 29, 2014, 8:40 am melan kumar sex my hobbes just like aniwe december 29, 2014, 8:30 am holly i wish i saw this a few weeks ago! i’ve been on and off freaking out internally because i keep worrying that my boyfriend of 3 years doesn’t want to be with me anymore. he’s been acting so different lately and i know it’s because he’s stressed out at work and other various things. i tried talking to him about it and got upset that he wouldn’t talk to me about his problems or tell me anything that’s been going on in his life. i kept trying to reach out to him but it made him withdraw more. that in turn made me clingy which made things even worse. i know he needs space but every now and then my emotions get the better of me and i start thinking he’s sick of me. this post reassures me that if i give him the space he needs everything will work out eventually. thank you again! november 24, 2014, 5:42 pm beautiful 7 i am in a brand new relationship, a little long distance but our schedules between the both of us consists of school, work, and our own kids. so even though we don’t see each other much, our relationship has been mainly mental…which is great!! we love each other very much but lately, i have noticed a change in him. not really texting much or calling, sometimes not answering the phone for me. we’ve talked and i expressed how i felt and even asked if maybe we should just part ways, seeing we’re both busy and he doesn’t seem to have much time for me? he said,” he loves and wants to be with me” and that he will show me! i am trying to be patient and not seem needy or upset with him. he expressed that he was angry a few days ago, that he was going through something personal. i didn’t offer help, just that i understood and that i was here for him no matter what, and when he’s ready to talk; i am here. now two days later, no texts back, ignoring my phone calls. should i just continue to let him be, and wait until he reaches out to me? i don’t want to feel like i am smothering him. november 22, 2014, 8:13 pm lydia i recently went through this situation with my boyfriend. he had been really stressed because he’s currently unemployed, he’s having family issues, etc. i noticed he started pulling away because he was barely calling me or texting me, he didn’t want to hang out and when he was with me, he used to go quiet for long periods of time. it was hard because he was always all over me. just like all of you, ladies, i freaked out thinking he didn’t love me anymore. he even tried breaking up with me! because he said he felt uncapable of giving me what i deserved, luckily he snapped out of that attitude and just asked me for some time alone. eric, i read this article and i just told him to take all the time he wanted, that i would be there in case he needed me. it was hard but i just hung in there. i only texted back whenever he texted me and i tried to keep the messages short responding in a positive way. well, guess what? he came back to me saying he missed me a lot. he seemed to be in a better mood, he said he wasn’t stressed anymore and he started going to the gym again (he had stopped during those days). he’s been planning dates and he even surprised me with a beautiful silver necklace! he’s affectionate again and he says he feels like he loves me even more than before. :) thank you for this article, eric! it helped a lot! november 12, 2014, 1:43 pm krista this sounds a lot like what i’m going through with my boyfriend. how long did it take until he started coming back around to you? november 28, 2014, 5:02 pm iiza oh it luks as if it has been written down on my situation. very few things on internet make such impression on my mind. yes! i will try to follow all this. thanx god bless you september 29, 2014, 2:23 pm amber eric/fellow stressed out ladies, this question fits my situation to the tell. but add in the upcoming anniversary of his mother’s death (which he flew home) + sick + longer hours at work. at first (known each other since the start of the year, exclusive as of about a month ago) he was sweet, affectionate, great at communication, always wanting to hang out and the last few weeks i’ve barely seen him, sporadically sweet and actually has gone days with either a text or two or nothing at all. its so hard for me to fathom that if he loves me, which he says he still does, but can go mia, not want to hang out or be sweet/affectionate…hard to not take in personally. i do know that he’s not dealing well with his mom’s death and especially the anniversary which was this weekend. he kept saying its not a good time and he’s not in a good place and the classic “its not you its me” which i panicked thought he was ending it .at first he didn’t want to see me at all, but then we went out and had drinks and talked. he did admit he’s a person who when he gets in his “bad place” does not want to see anyone or do anything. any add’l tips on dealing w/a guy in mourning? september 16, 2014, 12:09 pm rissa eric, thank you so much for this article. i needed this bit of encouragement, hopefully my relationship will take a turn for the better in a while. much love july 25, 2014, 12:00 am shahrukh my boyfriend and i have been together for about 9 months now, everything was perfect and great up until 3 months ago when we had a huge fight about his best friend (who he calls his “little sister”). in the beginning of the relationship he had told me he only gets along with girls because the guys in his school are incompetent and i do believe that he is more mature than most of the people at his school (by his school i do mean we go to different schools) he seemed sincerely sorry for the fact that he had to have me deal with the fact that his only companions were girls but i told him it was alright because it really truly was! he was such a sweetheart about it and would even ask me for permission if he wanted to hang out with a group of his friends (a group a girls) if they all planned to go out one night (i never asked him to do things like this he chose to ask all by himself, so it made me feel secure). up until three months ago, his best friend whom is the only girl i’m threatened by (because of her inability to keep her space from his comfort zone for me) put a picture of herself on snapchat to his story which i asked him to tell her not to do that, she was also number one best friend which i also asked not to have that happen because it just seems like he is more interested in her than me. he told me he yelled at her and i was completely done with the situation until he kept nagging on and on about how he was an awful boyfriend and it made me mad because he wasn’t. one thing went to anther and he basically ended up thinking i was giving him an ultimatum between me and his best friend which was not what i was trying to do, i was asking him simply to just pay more attention to me after school since he sees her all day and only sees me very rarely! (which i found very suspicious but i did not tell him). ever since then he has fought with me about her and refuses to talk about her when he brings up a story of him and her doing something that makes me feel uncomfortable. for example, her parents hate her being around my boyfriend because they find him as a bad influence and one night they were at a play together (which he also did not tell me that he was going to be with her there) and apparently her parents barged in, took her phone and took her away after seeing her with my boyfriend. he came home that night and texted me distraught about the whole thing and apparently he dreamt about her because he felt it was his fault and also began stressing about her wayyyy more than he’s ever stressed about me. even when i had a minor heart attack that same day he didn’t seem nearly as distraught about that as he was about her. i know he may not want to talk about her to not start a fight but we use to never fight about her before he would usually see that i’m hurt , understand and we would fix it together. a week ago he finally heard back from her from the night of the play (meaning he’s been trying to get in constant touch with her) and she said she was fine and not to worry, she’ll her phone back before school (she did this through a friends phone , why would your friend feel such a need to text you through another friend over something like that? it is important but not that important right?) then recently he also told me the reason he would not let me see his ipod was because he has him and his best friend as a background chilling and i would have “freaked” if i saw it, but he still remains to not let me see his ipod. he tells me he has nothing to hide and that he feels like i’m invading his privacy when i ask to look through it but it just makes me even more suspicious! ever since the fight about his best friend he has not done nearly half the things he use to do such as send me loving goodnight and goodmorning messages, nor does he seems as affectionate as he once was when we would meet up in person…what did i do? does he have something going on with his best friend? july 7, 2014, 6:46 am shahrukh the whole point i’m getting towards with that is the fact that because of such a minor thing like his bestfriend having her phone taken is the stressor that is causing him to be distant. he said she’s his one source of comfort and she’s gone causing him to be more stressed. but she didn’t seem that important 3 months ago when he would literally block her on snapchat and not text her just for me. july 7, 2014, 6:55 am sue thank you so much for your response eric. i am going through a similar situation and have been feeling very insecure. my boyfriend is a very romantic sensitive man with a huge heart. he lost his wife in 2008 and then had a bad break up with a very unstable woman last year. him and i have been friends for 31 years and it became more. he is such a wonderful man and has been very good to me, although the past couple of months he has been withdrawing more and more after his ex girlfriend posted something nasty about him on facebook. he says he loves me everyday, however normally he calls me an affection name and hunny or sweetheart, but the other day he told me that those types of things are redundant in an adult relationship. this is not like him. he is normally very affectionate. he did tell me he knows he is still broken, plus he has a lot on his plate. i haven’t told him how i have been feeling because i don’t want to add to how he has been feeling. he is also normally a very happy go lucky fun person. joking around, smiling, etc… but he doesn’t do that very much anymore either. i am so worried about him. i love him so dearly and want him to be ok. i do support him and tell him that he is strong and a man of integrity and that he will be fine. i know he loves me dearly as well. i just want to be a good partner to him. may 1, 2014, 1:14 pm emily ive been seeing my bf for 11 months now. his mother died 10 days ago and he is completly withdrawling from me. i know he needs space and time but i dont want to loose him. each day our communication gets less and less..how can i show him support that will not push him further away. in what ways can i show him my admiration to help him pull himself up from how low he is feeling? further away? i know trying to help him through his pain will not work so what can i say to him s february 2, 2014, 1:53 am ac great advice, thank you so much. my bf is going through a stressful time right now due to some unexpected developments in his life. i read similar advice before (and double-checking because i don’t want to mess it up!). i’m doing my best to apply it. seems to be working as he is not withdrawing from me, and even opening up a bit. i’m simply loving, the way i always am with him, and when he does open up i sit quietly and listen. i give him his space and i respect his wishes. he wants me around though, and that tells me i’m doing something right, for him, and what he needs right now. january 26, 2014, 11:14 am belinda i’m pretty much with amy, may 14 2013 on this one, especially if this is a repeated behavior. first, sometimes the woman has every right to take pulling away personally if this behavior follows a disagreement in the relationship and this is consistently how the man handles it. next, if there’s something going on outside of the relationship and needing space is his mo, then he needs to at least say that much–a decrease in communication or availability really does require some kind of explanation, even if it’s just a simple statement, because it is a downgrade in companionship, and any normal person would question this. i’m with amy, that is being a grown-up, and a guy doesn’t get off the hook because “it’s a guy thing” any more than i should get off the hook for, say, wanting to over-talk things just because i’m a woman. i think accepting these stereotypes is damaging to a relationship and maintains an unhealthy status quo. so, if my boyfriend and i usually talk daily and spend two evenings a week together, for example, and then our talks decrease to just a few times a week, and our evenings together turn into quick coffee dates, yes, i need to know why. of, if his availability is the same, but he is unusually quiet, unresponsive, or in other ways emotionally absent, i need to know why. upon learning the reason, i may be just fine and the conversation can end, but we cannot be shut out. if i were with someone who responded this way to stress and did not find a way to open up to me, i’d be gone. december 1, 2013, 2:28 pm me i so needed this article. eric, thank you. you have turned my day around hopefully for the better. november 10, 2013, 4:48 pm jelly our wedding is in a month but one week before something major occur and boyfriend is very stress and shutting me out… usually i would love to give boyfriend space, but tomorrow is the date we meet parents for wedding! i rather him to quickly give me an answer then moping and being sad! is he still coming or rather postpone!? i properly make a mistake by chasing him for answer but i can’t wait anymore! i am so worry and scare… september 12, 2013, 11:06 pm jessica i agree with this article, but still not sure. my situation is a little different. my boyfriend and i met online back in august. we started dating in january. everything was good and then he made the decision to move to atlanta which is a few hours from me. he is a truck driver and has told me that he has been stressing about working and living arrangements. before the move, this started changing and we use to talk everyday on the phone and now we basically only text in the morning and maybe sometimes at night. throughout the day, there is no communication. i’ve never question what he was stressing about or thinking about because i think that he would let me know when he was ready. i just feel like i can’t do anything and i feel bad that i get mad that he isn’t talking to me about anything. when i did say something to him about something about me he changes that subject or just says that he will talk to me later and i never bring it back up. i just want to know if i’m doing the right thing with giving him is space, but how do i not get mad about it though!!! july 22, 2013, 12:06 am joyce hum i found this interesting but still wondering what my role is and what i can ask for and what’s too much or too little? i’ve been seeing this guy for about 2 yrs. recently he’s really stressed and has been pretty vague about his issues although, i know theyare complicated and hasn’t made any attempt to get together or say hello for the past 6 weeks. i’ve tried to contact him a few times and he’s just said not to stress everything is fine but his mind is on his issues. 3 weeks ago i told him i understand and i won’t pressure him cause he needs to do what he needs to do but just dont be stranger and say hello….. well he hasnt and its driving me crazy. i finally got up the nerve to text him a hello after 2wks and he says he’s still going through his stuff. so i say i miss u and its been a long time….. did i make a mistake? he never responded to that and has given me no time frame or assurance again. i just don’t know what to do? he’s done this before but never for this long. this is not easy! !!!! and just don’t see why his stress must also stress me when i just need to know me & him are ok. hvad skal jeg gøre? july 7, 2013, 2:13 pm fa i think i’ve ruined my relationship. i’ll try keep it short… my boyfriend was in a relationship with a girl about three years ago. she had a young son from a previous relationship and he said that the kid started to see him like a father. when they broke up he said it took him about a year to get over it – that he took it really badly. they were together for about a year. from the start of our relationship (9 months) i have had insecurities about her. i bring her up a lot and he had been patient in dealing with me. but today it came to a head. he is really angry that i keep bringing it up. he says he wasn’t thinking about her before but because i kept pushing and pushing i have made him think about her a lot more. he says that he feels like he will have to grieve the child all over again. i didn’t realise that what he was not over was the child and that he felt he had lost one. he blames me entirely for making him think about and deal with this again. rightly so. i feel terrible, he is so angry. he said that he needs someone stronger and doesnt know if il be able to change… ( i’m seeing a therapist for the last few weeks). he said he is only willing to give it a shot is because we live together but if i ever snoop on him again – it’s over, he’s gone. he doesn’t want to deal with drama and shit in his life. what can i do? i’m determined to change my thinking. he is sleeping on the couch tonight, he didnt want me to go and stay with my parents for a few days but is ok to sleep on the couch. i will give him that space. what if he changes his mind and decided to leave? how do i deal with this situation? i’m so full of shame and guilt – i never realised it was the child and not the girl that he found so hard to get over. i’ve been stupid and i hate myself right now. he thinks i take pleasure in sabotaging my own happiness. :’-( june 5, 2013, 10:57 am amy well, i think that’s kind of crap, eric. if the guy’s half the relationship, it’s up to him to be a grownup, get some help, figure out how to communicate, rather than cutting the woman off and expecting her to be a nurturing angel. i suppose this is where you say yada yada things even out over time, but in general what i see is that if a man can’t handle the communication responsibilities of a relationship in tough times, then no, things aren’t going to even out. i’d suggest she just be straight with him: say look, i know things are tough for you, but i’m a person too, and if we’re going to be together, i need for you to be present in the relationship. if you’re having a tough time, i get that, but you need to find a way to deal with it that doesn’t involve putting me in the “girl i don’t want to deal with” closet until your life rights itself and you feel like popeye again. i’ll be patient a while longer; after that, i love you , but i’ma go live my life. may 14, 2013, 11:25 pm eric charles some of what you’re saying i agree with, so i think we’re more on the same page than you might think. when i right these, some of the times i need to cut down the questions for space reasons. still, i respond personally to the woman asking the question and when i do, i try my best to give her what she needs for her situation. so yeah, there’s a time and a place for having a frank discussion and being on the same page. in this case, the issue i was speaking to primarily was not to take it personally. there’s lots of situations where a woman sees a guy pulling away because of his own personal stress response. she assumes that she did something wrong and gets into a cycle of paranoia – she feels worried the guy is losing interest in her, she tries to get validation that he cares, he’s not in the head space to give her the type of response she wants, she gets more paranoid, fishes for more proof he cares, and on and on until the relationship takes on a life of chasing, worrying and reassurance. another trap is the woman sees the guy struggling and wants to “help”. most women *want* to be nurturing to the man that they really love. in that regard, all i’m saying is she doesn’t need to do anything… just step back and let him handle it. the way you wrote it, you make it sound like the guy is actively cutting the woman off like he’s trying to be an immature *sshole. that’s not the reality… personally, when i get overwhelmed with life, it can be hard for me to be all “there” in my relationship. it’s not that i can’t (or don’t) communicate. it’s not that i’m not mature. it’s not that i’m not a “grownup”. and it’s most definitely not because i expect her to be “a nurturing angel”. i just look at it as a fact of life. i have to deal with mine, she has to deal with hers and we understand that we can’t both be shiny objects all the time. i do think your approach of talking frankly is far better than trying to play “emotional detective” by observing his micro-behaviors and things he said, then fishing for clues if he cares, etc. much better to put your thoughts on the table clearly and succinctly if that’s your nature and if you have the ability to speak so clearly. not everyone does well with that… may 15, 2013, 5:13 pm apple hi eric, i have dilemmas here i hope you can voice out your opinion. my boyfriend recently resigned from his job and now jobless. he keeps saying he wants to find job but he never works it out. everyday all he does is just watching tv and eat, yet he always complains about how he’s wasted his days and he wanted to sort things out but he never able to. one thing i don’t understand is, he never really works it out yet he whines to me everyday about how he wastes his days. he even asks me help for him. in this case, should i help him? yet on your article, i learned that i should give him space. and yeah, i give him space. a lot of it, since i am busy with my works also. but when he asks me for a help, does that mean i should help him? well, up until now what i’ve done is to encourage him to not take it stressfully and i told him to do things that he loves. does that work? thank you very much :) april 21, 2013, 12:42 pm tiffany ok what do i do?! my boyfriend is mad at me for something i didnt do. i was sleeping and someone hacked my facebook account and said somethings to him. now he wont even talk to me. i tried to tell him it wasnt me, i tried giving him space. but he just wont talk to me. he is ignoring me like im not even there november 27, 2012, 11:16 am alex this was really helpful. my boyfriend’s former mother-in-law just passed away. he had been very close to her for a very long time. now his ex-wife is telling him that not only can he not come to the funeral but he can’t send flowers. he’s the type of person who values those kinds of rituals in order to say goodbye and now that he doesn’t have them he’s not in a very good place. i really want to be there for him but whenever it starts to get to him he doesn’t want to see me. part of me is hurt by that and honestly, i was raised to believe that relationships aren’t supposed to work like that. i was taught that everyone is supposed to talk everything out. but i’m going to take your advice and stop offering help and support he doesn’t want. instead i’m going to wait for him to signal that he’s ready to see me and then i’ll “admire and appreciate all of the good parts of him.” as long as i know my role in this i can deal. november 4, 2012, 4:54 pm molika hi eric, i enjoyed reading your article and you brought up good, reasonable points. however, i do have an additional question in mind… you stated that men withdraw although it personally has nothing to do with his significant other. why do some men punish only their women and not everyone else? my boyfriend treats me this way and i don’t understand why; he even said it is a ‘not you but me kinda deal.’ when he is stressed, he hangs out with his friends or does something else. i still trust him somehow. we are close and talk about personal issues but i guess this is a big deal— he did mention family. i want to be by his side but he pushes me away. its frustraiting august 22, 2012, 10:23 pm stacia what if his pulling away from stress is causing him to slow contact? should i just leave him be and when he does reach out pretend like nothing’s wrong? it is really hard not to take something like this personally, especially when i’ve asked him to be better about communication. may 19, 2012, 4:09 pm floor my boyfriend and i have been together for a year and a half now. last year he moved to another school and eversince he hasn’t been the same. he can easily go 4 days without texting or calling me, not even answering my efforts to contact him. he is either working or laying around at home all day, but he doesn’t seem to want to spend time with me. i miss him. he is straying from me. he barely wants to have sex anymore ad when we do it, he almost doesn’t climax anymore. i miss the old him, but the more i try to understand and support him, the more he pushes me away. it hurts so bad. april 17, 2012, 11:39 am emma i just split with my boyfriend of 9 months the other day and i cant understand why. im in a lot of distress about it going over the details of what i might have done wrong. he had a very stressfull week and was pulling away so i panicked and got needy, i called him and texted and worried. but i tried to be nice about it. then on saturday he was supposed to come to mine but he called to say he would be late, so i shouted at him and then he shouted back. ten minutes later he phoned me back to say he couldnt do this anymore, and that a relaitionship was too stressful. we agreed it hadnt been the same for a month or two now since his uncle died. then he said he was sorry and needs some time before we can talk or be friends again. basically we said we loved each other in october, upto that point it was perfect! then his uncle died and he became a little less attentive to me, workload increased, people were pestering him. in late december i brought up that i was unhappy because he was barely paying attention to me and let me down several times. we had big fight but it was solved. two weeks ago it got better, he started doing all the things he used to do. then this last week he was so stressed out and suddenly he wants to break up? any insights as to why he really dumped me, or what may have triggered it? because he seemed happy the night before it happened. february 6, 2012, 5:33 am ashley i met a guy a back in august who works for the same company as me and had just moved back to the city were in for a job. he knew a friend of mine and she had given him my number. he of course never called. then in the beginning of january he messaged me on a dating website, not realizing he already knew me. i messaged him back calling him out on it, he did not . he then came into work and talked to the girl who had given him my number before and told her how he felt like an idiot and really wanted to ask me out. so he immediately messaged me on the dating site and after a couple of messages we exchanged numbers. we texted and talked that whole weekend and on monday we went on our first date. we had a great time, talked for hours, and both had the best kiss of our lives (exact words coming from his lips). we talked after the date and he wanted to see me the next day. so we had a day date and then hung out the next night. we then went out two nights later on a friday and spent the whole weekend together where i met his friends and he met mine. we spent five out of seven days in the next week together. we spent the whole weekend together again. staying in on friday night and watching movies, going to a work function together all day saturday and having an impromptu dinner with my dad and grandparents and then going out with his brother and friend. all the while he has been telling me how scary it is how much he likes me, how he’s always going to spoil me, how he’s so thankful for me to be in his life, how awesome i am, and how happy he is with me. he even got off the dating website three days after our first date and a week after our first date he wanted to be exclusive. everything felt so natural and easy with us and i had never been swept off my feet like this so i was willing as well. i hadn’t felt this way in a really long time. he even bought me a pillow for his house and we were making insignificant plans for when it gets warmer outside. he was suppose to meet my mom and sis this past weekend at a mice race event. he started transitioning to a new position at work last friday while continuing to do his current job and finding a replacement for him. we spent the whole weekend together and everything was perfect. monday he worked 8-8 which he continued to do everyday this week. we were suppose to have a dinner date on tuesday but we had to cancel so i brought dinner to him and we stayed in and watched movies and i stayed the night. everything was great. on wednesday he felt distant and we talked about him being overwhelmed at work. on thursday he told me that all he could offer me right now is a friendship. we talked about it face to face that night after he got out of work and we both cried and he begged me to be his friend because he didn’t want to lose me. he promised that once things settle down at work that he would give us a chance. he wants to be the best boyfriend he can be and spend every waking moment with me or he thinks i’ll leave him so that’s why he wants to be friends and not date bc of all the stress. well with me being a girl, i was too pushy. and he texted me yesterday and told me to just relax about all of this and that he just needs some time. then an hour later he texted me and said his feelings have changed, this has to end now, i’m sorry. then the last text he sent me after i was trying to get answers was “this has gone completely out of control and i’m at work. my job is really important to me. i’m really sorry.” did i mess things up too badly? could his feelings have changed that quickly or is he just trying to push me away bc he needs his time? i need some help. he is amazing and i don’t want to lose him for forever. i can stand being without him for a short time but i need help on what to do to get him back. did i screw it up by being too pushy after he asked for time? any help or advice is much appreciated. thank you february 5, 2012, 11:30 am kusanagi2112 i’ve been reading through some of the comments and i’m a little distressed at some of the mistakes i seem to have made with my current boyfriend. he has been through a hard time and i think all i’ve done is put pressure on him to try and get him to open up and tell me what’s been going on with him and i think it’s made it worse. he says i’m putting him on the spot and that he always deals with things on his own but this was making me unhappy because in my last relationship all we did was tell each other what was bothering us and it was a bit of a shock to then be with someone who emotionally shut down and in essence was pushing me away and if i’m honest i was worried it was also me that was making him unhappy and it go to a point where things were so bad between us that, that’s all i asked him-if everything was okay, was he happy with me? etc and i now hate myself for it because i don’t think i’m a needy person but i know i was coming across as needy but i just wanted reassurance because i had a dramatic breakup and partially left my last boyfriend for him and was worried that he was already bored of me. i would like to perhaps bring it up and apologise for it but he’s the kind of guy who when an argument’s taken place he kind of wants to forget it’s happened and hates it being continually brought up( we’ve had a rough patch recently which i really hope we’re coming out of no). i don’t want to bring it up per se i’m just the type of person that when they feel they have screwed things up won’t feel etter until they’ve at least apologised but i don’t want to antagonise him. so i’m not sure what to do: let it lie or try to apologise for putting unneccessary pressure on him? january 26, 2012, 6:33 am christina basically, i have known this guy a year now(we go to the same church so i see him 2times a week or 3), the first few months, i’d just say hi as i didn’t know him. but after around 5-6 months- i don’t know how but we began but we were talking many times, after every meeting session he would come straight up to me and wouldn’t go up to his friends etc. we would have such laughs and i was certain he liked me, he would come up to me all the time, stare at me etc. i then went on holiday for 2weeks, when i came back i went into hospital for 1 week, then after that he was away for 2 weeks, so we went ages without talking. since i came back, he did try to get back that spark we both had but i shunned it due to fear of rejection because i began to start falling for him.we haven’t spoken at all but he stares at me constantly, my friends have verified this. they all say i am too good for him (in the looks sense) but that doesn’t matter to me at all as i find him attractive to me. he will always hover around me and sometimes stand on his own (something he would do then we would both go up to each other the few months before) but i turn my back on it and i don’t know why i am being like this, even when he tried to brush his body past mine , i looked at him like he’s weird.- i don’t want to lose him! i feel something is still there but i don’t know. when he stares and i catch him a few times, he will either hold out the stare and i just look away or he will look away very quick. i cannot keep going on like this but i have no courage to go up to him, although i know nothing bad would happen but i am stubborn and think he should make the first move he is a guy! ….help me!!! email me december 30, 2011, 4:44 am kimberly me and my boyfriend have been dating for about 2weeks now,he told me a week into our relationship that he has a baby on the way with n ex gf,he just recently came to see me a little after his son was born he stayed with me for 3 days then went home which he lives 2 hours away from me.when he did get back home i barely herd from him he don’t text me or call me like he use to,he son is premature and i know he spends a lot of time at the hospital but even when he is not there he don’t bother with me, a lot of times he ignores my text messages.i did ask him last night if he really did want to be with me he tells me yes i asked him why he don’t bother with me and he tells me his busy.i don’t know what to do i really don’t want to lose him and he also admits he is still in love with his baby momma but tells me he does not want to be with her cause she has cheated on him in the past.i texted him once today to ask how his s on was no from him so what do i do. december 5, 2011, 8:59 pm kate if he is not fully over someone or the situation even if they’ve been separated for days, months or years, you will be his rebound girlfriend. he may want to be with you, but he will be and wants to be apart of his baby and the baby’s mother’s life. you can be supportive of him, but don’t expect a big commitment. his big commitment is his child and senario at hand right now. it’s a lot overwhelming him. don’t take it personally, just be there for him. time will tell what happens, but it’s more important to be there for him and let him open up and trust you when he feels he is ready. that can help form a great relationship. february 3, 2012, 4:03 pm brandy my boyfriend ask for a 2 week break from me and where getting married in 6months but the whole reason why he asks for that break so he can study but im scared im gonna lose him or he fall in love with other girl. btw he in college and im back in cali november 30, 2011, 9:11 pm fury dear eric, im experiencing something like this with someone i am exclusively dating. lately he is unhappy with his new job. misses his old one. and now currently he is broke adding more stress on him. parents nagging on him. then suddenly he told me that he wants to date other women. when i told him that he can do that it makes him happy. and then he responded in a pissed off manner that if he does that i will be unhappy and will go mia. but the thing is i have yet to go mia nor gotten unhappy because that situation has yet to happen. he is now withdrawn. has yet to or text me. what does this mean and does he mean what he says? november 23, 2011, 6:06 am sam wow, everything stated in the article are the mistakes i made. i knew something was wrong when he was pulling away and he retreated even more when i started to take it personally and tried to “help” him …i feel like crap november 9, 2011, 9:54 pm eric charles i understand why you might feel like crap – you regret the actions you took. . but the fact is, you did everything you did because at the time you thought it was the best option… or maybe the only option. . now you have a new approach and a new perspective. for the rest of your life, you’ll be able to handle this type of thing better and get better results in your relationship-life. . so really, this is a time to celebrate and feel good. from this point forward, you know something that will get you better results than ever before. . it’s all good, don’t worry. november 12, 2011, 4:59 pm laura hi eric, so i need your insight into what my boyfriends thinking… some background: me and my boyfriend have been together for a year. it’s been really great despite some ups and downs. i give him a lot of space, and we just hang out like friends most of the time. all and all it feels like a great relationship. we’ve had some struggles because his parents got divorced two years ago, and he is still struggling a lot with that. also my dads been having an affair on my mom so i’ve been dealing with that, and it’s put stress on our relationship. we both get along with each others families really well, and it seems that we are getting pretty serious because he and i stay over at each others places quite a bit. *he mentioned that he’d want to live with me in the future, and a week before my dilemma arose was complaining about living with his buddies this year and said he doesn’t want to live with them next year. also he even said he sees a future (i.e. marriage) with me* the problem: recently i got really stressed out about us because he seems depressed because of his family issues, and that has lead to him seeming not engaged in anything really. i mentioned this to him and we seemed to come to some what of a resolution. i suggested it might help if he talk to a counsellor, and he agreed that would benefit him. i decided i am going to too because of my family issues as well. after this we went back to getting along very well, laughing together and so on, and then we went to a bookstore for a date, and had a great time. we started looking at children’s books together from our youth, and both bought children’s books. there was an unspoken sort of implication i think we were both aware of that the books would be for our hypothetical children. we didn’t say much about it, so it was a good night. the next day when we woke up he was complaining about how i leave and bring too many clothes to his apartment because it clutters his room, which it really does, considering it’s a small room, and i got frustrated and said well why don’t we move in together?-that way i don’t have to bring clothes back and forth. (in my mind i felt light hearted about the situation though, not as if i was really intending we would move in together soon). later that day we walked to get my brother a birthday present, and he said, “so when would you move out of your house?” i assumed because he’d already mentioned his desire to live with me he was inquiring because he was impatient and looking forward to my moving out. the i freaked out a bit because i felt like i was being light hearted about the whole idea of moving in, and felt like he was being serious, so i said, “oh you’r bringing this up?” (again light hearted) and he said, ” don’t act as if you didn’t bring it up first” (frustrated). (still light hearted) i said, “oh i dunno, i have to save up some money first.” he responded, “well i didn’t think you were thinking anytime soon…” and i responded, “no like i say it will take a while to save some money.” i didn’t give this conversation much thought, because i still was under the assumption that he wanted to move in together. after we bought my brothers birthday gift, he quickly diverted me and said he had to go to buy groceries and left. i felt like he was being really weird, but didn’t pay much attention to it because he’s been so stressed out about his family. then two days later i texted him good night i love you, and he texted, “you too hun” which is really uncharacteristic of him. after this i just began to worry. i proceeded to call him…which wasn’t the right thing to do, but i was stressed because tonight, of all nights, i was totally aware my dad left to cheat on my mom, so i called my boyfriend in seek of help. he talked to me a great deal about my dad and really helped a lot, i didn’t ask my boyfriend about the text because as we talked i forgot anything was wrong, and then i said “alright i’m going to bed, love you”. and he got all weird about the i love you again…he said it, but in a very rushed, unnatural way. we hung up, and i began to worry again, i was still baffled as to what he’s feeling. then i started to think of everything in context…and wondered have all of these events led him to feel trapped? did he take me very seriously when i joked about moving in? why is he freaking out if he suggested he wants us to move in?!?!? how can i repair the damage i’ve done? i don’t want him to feel trapped, i’m not even sure i want to move in, i mean i’m just enjoying our time now…and if thats the way things go for us i’d be happy, but i definitely want us to just continue enjoying each others company, and see where that takes us. why do guys say they want things for the future and then freak out if the girl reciprocates? is this about the future, or is it about his other stresses with his family? thanks :) p.s. sorry for the novel ;) seems like you get that a lot^. i guess its a chick thing. november 9, 2011, 3:24 am vickie my boyfriend & i have been seeing each other for just over 4 months. he is 42 & i am 29. we live about 2 hours apart, so we are not seeing each other often. the 1st month & half he was super lovey dovey & called/texted all the time! he really showed his interest. then it seems he quickly fell into comfort zone. the calls dwindled to every other day, which is ok because my life isn’t that crazy to talk for extended times every day. also september & october, because of work & family obligations we were not able to get together except for every other weekend. when we are together in person he is great! completely in the moment, he takes care of me, he’s affectionate… the month of october i really started to feel disconnected from him (my perspective & point of view. he probably is just in comfort zone & doesn’t see anything wrong). we couldn’t see each other much, he wasn’t asking when can i see you again like he used to (i guess its just assumed that when it can happen it will). and our phone calls were very superficial because we aren’t integrating each other into our lives due to the distance (again, my perspective). then, about 2 weeks into october he called me & said “i just wanted to let you know that i’m not blowing you off, i’m sorry i haven’t called as much as usual but i just found out my mother has pancreatic cancer & spots on her liver & lungs. also, her brother has it too! so this is what i am dealing with & i will probably be spending more weekends out of town with my folks.” i thought it was really considerate of him to call and tell me that. now, i was feeling the disconnect (from my perspective) prior to us having knowledge of his mother’s illness. fyi, my grandmother died from pancreatic cancer. fast forward to now, the beginning of november. i spent last weekend with him, friday, sat, sunday. we had a snow storm, he lost power for days & it was a cold crummy weekend. but we made the best of it, seemed to get along famously as we always have. i know he was stressed about his house & pipes bursting & being too cold. i noticed his father calling often, & over all he has a lot going on. but he had not shut me out. then on nov 2 his mother had a biopsy on her liver & lungs. we exchanged 1 text the day before. since then he has disappeared. this is the longest i haven’t heard from him, nearly 5days. i am not the kind of girl to blow up his phone with texts & calls. i fret with my friends & my mother. i sent one text on friday morning. i had forgotten about his mothers procedure so in my text i asked how he has been & did his power come back on. later that evening i was trying to figure out what changed between us & i remembered his mother’s medical procedure. but my girlfriend’s say don’t pressure him so just send a simple xoxoxo text & let him be. that is what i did. last night, saturday, i sent xoxo and now its sunday afternoon and i still have no idea what is going on. i don’t know what came of his mothers procedure, i don’t know if my bf left town to be with his parents. i don’t know if he has been going to work like usual, i don’t know if this has anything to do with me. i dont know if i pressured him somewhere about meeting his parents. he seemed like the type of guy to tell me if he decided he didn’t want to see me anymore, this ignoring thing seems out of character for him. i’m a little concerned. i’m concerned selfishly, wondering if this means he doesnt want to see me anymore, if its now a bad time. i’m concerned for him, how is he doing, handling this. i’m concerned for his mother & father, how are they….. how hard is it to send a puny text just to give me a heads up. i don’t want to break up, i want to support him however that is. i will wait for him through this but i dont even know if he is interested anymore.. my experience is when a guy goes this long with no contact they are done with the relationship, or will be very soon…. wtf?!!! do i let him be & when he gets back to me try to understand what happened to him? what if he tells me hes just been busy at work? if that is the case i will be pissed because 4-5 days with no contact in a long distance relationship isn’t enough for me. if his mother’s health is worse than they thought how do i support him without emasculating him? how can i support him when i am so far away? november 6, 2011, 1:13 pm me after 5 years he left now he calls and says he needs his clothes says a day he’ll pick them up and then doesn’t , what’s going on??? october 31, 2011, 2:03 pm buzz recently, i just got back together with my ex. we were together 9 1/2 months and then broke up because he thought too many people were interfering with our relationship. after 2 months, we got back together :) we are together now and have been for 2 weeks. but in the past few days something hasn’t been right between us. he has been ill with the flu which could explain things but it seems like he can’t be bothered to initiate contact with me. in a way i do feel like i am being needy because i’m missing our old relationship so much and i just want those old long conversations back. but it seems like he is relying on me to make contact but our conversations don’t even last long. i fear i’m losing him all over again and i could not deal with that. i know he does love me but i am sick of being pushed aside and left to hurt. how can i get him to come after me again and get that deep love and energy back into the relationship? october 26, 2011, 7:02 am dlp450ccs i got back together with my boyfriend from 21 years ago. it was a terrible break up back then and i saw him after all those years, he’s divorced now for over a year, and he apologized for how awful he was and could we get together for dinner. i gave him a clean slate and he has been wonderful but its only been 3 months. we lived together for 4 years and bought a house together 21 years ago so it was pretty serious. im 51, he is 46. i have a 25 year old, his children are 11 and 17. he just left for kauai because he is a general contractor and building a home there, will be gone for about month and a half. i care deeply for him but wondering if im wasting my time with him again. i know he cares but is this just something new for me and thats why i got so excited and its starting to sizzle a little now that he is gone. im just confused because i am very ill with an auto immune disease and dont need to stress out over something i have no control over. should i just let it happen in stead of making it happen. the sex could be a lot better, but how do i tell him without hurting his feelings. thats a big problem. my last boyfriend was the best lover ever but turned out to be a much better friend that lover and we are the best of friends now. i wish i had that kind of sex with this guy october 20, 2011, 4:40 am sarah a well rounded response to the poster and an interesting male perspective. in my experience i’ve found a lot of these things to hold true of men in my relationships. this is particularly evident with my current boyfriend who is very much the ‘blokey bloke’ and finds emotive communication very difficult. at first i found our differing approaches very frustrating and would push for him to open up to me, much to the detriment of us both! in the end i realised that although i was concerned, i was doing this more for my benefit than his; i wanted to feel like i could help him, and i was trying to approach it in a way that would help me – this was only pushing him away. i have since grown to better appreciate our differences and respect his manly space, and in doing so have gained his trust and he will now approach me to talk about the things in his life which are upsetting him. i have found that vocabulary is an important consideration. instead of asking him how he feels about things, i ask him what he thinks. he likes to solve his own problems and feel on top of his game, so if i’m offering input i’m careful to make very broad suggestions to help him come to his own conclusions, leaving him with a sense of ownership over the solution. i also find that he is very responsive to praise in these times and that reminding him of his better qualities and how well he has handled difficult situations in the past is helpful to him. crucially, i find that these discussions are no less revealing about how he feels and he is able to vent, just on terms and in ways that are acceptable and not immasculating to him. i have been mindful to use this approach with my boyfriend recently while he has been facing redundancy and have found him to be very open with me and that this has deepened our bond. i know these things won’t work for every guy as all are different, and even for those it would it won’t work every time, but i would urge all women struggling to cummunicate with their guy in a difficult time to reflect on the way he prefers to cummunicate, and try to mirror his language and approach. you will learn to better understand your guy and might just help him to open up, too. october 19, 2011, 8:40 pm sandra sarah, i pushed away a very masculine guy i’d been dating because of my neediness when he pulled away. it sounds like you did a great job figuring out how to communicate with your guy. i’m curious how things are going between you two? my guy asked to stay friends and reached out recently to invite me to a bbq at his house, and i’m hoping to reconcile. your advice is very helpful. september 3, 2014, 2:47 pm sumit arora well for agirl as i am a guy i can tell you he is holding himself from you, try to give him some hints or just say wat you want, many guys like when girls are free to talk, they feel that girl is close to him, try to make him feel that he is special and then things might start working. october 15, 2011, 6:24 pm agirl i have a question about this guy. i met him a month ago. he was nice, caring and he even cooked for me. but we werent dating. everything started when i told him i cant sleep with him twice. he wanted to do it and asked me to sleep with him twice and my answer was… well no. its not because i didnt like him, it was because i was afraid that the next morning, he would be gone. i asked him afterwards what we were and he was like ‘i dont know, do you want boyfriend right now and what do u think we are? ‘ sth like that. well his behavior changed ever since, it was back to friendship zone and i dont like that. we are still friends now, but he doesnt ask me out, or ask if im hungry or anything. we have same classes and thats all. but he never talks about girl or anything. we talk about… school etc. is it because i said no to him twice and he is afraid to get rejected again, or sth else? i really want him back. i want to get in relationship with him but im afraid he is not willing to do that anymore. is it because cultural differences or what? i dont think it is since im asian. /japanese/ lol ps. he is 4 years older than me and anti-socialized lol thank you!! october 10, 2011, 1:00 am donna i’m really glad that i found this site. october 9, 2011, 11:29 am donna i lean on “him” when i’m upset about something that he’s done and i get mad and he knows why i’m mad. i don’t make him guess. he is the love of my life. he empowers me to overcome my struggles and my life, when he decides to be in it, is truly beautiful – it’s what women dream about. then, he drops the ball. see, i’ve figured him out. i will not be there for him for sex because, i know, if i give myself fully to him that he has the power to hurt me. that happened once. i refuse to have sex with him because i know what that means to me and what that means to him. with me, it’s something special and i give myself because i want him; but, he’s just looking for sex and can find it on any social networking website on line. do i want to be his next victim? no. i won’t allow myself to. and, it’s not because i don’t want him; we’ve had sex. it’s because i know it’s nothing more to him than sex and he’ll move on to the next woman. i know his routine and i know he pouts when i don’t give in. i’m in love with a man that won’t allow himself to love or be emotionally tied to any woman. hvorfor? it could be that i’m not the right woman for him and he just liked the idea that i’m there and that i love him. he is my best friend and someone that i share my bad days and good days with. being vulnerable allows us to open our hearts and love someone, but it also allows us to be hurt. i’m so confused about “him” and have a difficult time of just letting him go. i thought if i loved him long enough and hard enough, that my dream would blossom into full living color. i love him enough for both of us, but that’s not what his heart is open to at this point in his life. (i guess!) october 9, 2011, 11:27 am eric charles hey donna, i understand and i appreciate your comment about this. . i think you have a good grasp and perspective on the situation, so i’m not going to comment directly on it. you know what you want, you have a good understanding of where he’s at right now and even though it’s disappointing and not ideal, you aren’t emotionally overwhelmed by it. . it was a hard lesson for me to learn, but it doesn’t matter how much you like or love someone. they might appreciate your liking and loving them, but it won’t change the “page” they’re on. and some people are on a different page than you. . in fact, sometimes it can actually end up holding you in exactly the situation you’re in – even if you’re not happy with it. . i don’t advocate or discriminate against any relationship arrangement. if someone wants a booty call relationship, go for it. if they want to have an open relationship, go for it. if they want a committed, traditional long-term relationship – go for it! . but i do advocate people being honest with themselves and living a happy and fulfilling life. . there are many cases where a person might be looking for a relationship to fulfill them or make them happy when in fact they should be looking within themselves and their own life for that happiness and fulfillment. . there are other cases where a relationship just won’t work for someone and it’s better to move on to a better fit (and it sounds like this might be your case). . to tie up my point, when you were saying that you love him so much, but he’s in a place where he’ll just move onto the next woman… well… by fixating on him, that’s more incentive for him to not do anything differently. . i knew a dude who was a real asshole in general. every time i’d see the guy, he’d have some new girl telling him that she was in love or obsessed with him and he would just be a jerk about it. . one of my female friends said to him, “ok… after all these girls, haven’t you learned to do anything differently? i mean, girl after girl, every one of your relationships end in a train wreck.” . and he responds (and pay close attention), “why would i act any differently? i get exactly what i want… their emotions are their problem.” . now again, the dude is an asshole plain and simple, but he actually stated his point elegantly. . anyway… hope that tangent on your comment was helpful. october 9, 2011, 12:25 pm sasha and if she sees ‘who’s the gf’ will it be enough to make her give up on trying to get him back? or will she just continue to persist? october 6, 2011, 3:08 am ms.v sasha, i must say, you are a cute one. if she really wants to get him back, nothing can stop her but your bf. you can meet her only when your bf asks. never deliberately meet her yourself. there is no point meeting her unless it’s for your bf’s request, since she is your bf’s best friend and he wants you to meet her. remember, just think about things between you two and never let the ex issue bother you. i know its hard, but love is never easy. :) october 18, 2011, 11:13 pm sasha ms. v, thank you so much :) i feel so much more relaxed about everything now. just a few weeks ago i let my anger and stress get the better of me and broke up with my bf over the phone but realised i had made a horrible mistake as soon as i hung up. but the love of my life knew i wasn’t serious about breaking up and we were able to reconcile. i talked with him about my fears and insecurity regarding his ex and everything has been cleared up. she is finally over him. it is such a relief to know she doesn’t love him anymore. my love and i have been through many misunderstandings, many disagreements, many arguements and many fights but all of it has helped us to become stronger. we’re looking forward to our 6th month together :d november 1, 2011, 3:57 am ms.v that sounds great :) congrats!! i am really happy for you even tho we dont know each other. i guess what you both been through counts the most in your relationship. it’s gonna stay and go strong in a long term. no worries!! happy semi-anniversary!! lol have a good one! v november 2, 2011, 1:08 pm sasha aww thanks :d you’re right. love is never easy and for me it never has been and never will be but that just makes me want to try harder :) november 3, 2011, 1:40 am sasha and btw should i meet my bf’s ex? do you think it might help to alleviate some of my fears if i meet her? maybe if we meet it will show her ‘who’s the girlfriend’ and ‘who’s the ex’. or would that be a bad idea? will it make me seem overprotective? will it make me seem like i’m picking a fight with my bf’s ex? and will it make my bf feel like i don’t trust him? october 6, 2011, 3:07 am sasha ok so my bf of 5 months says he’s over his ex. they dated for 7 months and that was 2 years ago. they still keep in touch eventhough she’s now in a different country. i trust my bf that he’s telling me the truth that he really is over her but i get the feeling that she’s not over him. he told me she said she still loves him and recently she had a relationship with another guy but it didn’t last and she ended it. i feel she is still in love with my bf. she knows he is with me (she and i have not met) but i fear that if she is still in love with him she will do everything she can to get him back no matter what. i cannot compete with my bf’s ex. she is prettier and smarter than me and a whole lot more. i can’t ask my bf to cut contact with her. they are close friends and i respect that. it’s her i’m more worried about than him. even if he’s over her, if she’s not over him could that be a problem to our relationship? he says he loves me and wants to be with me. i trust him but i wish there was something i could do to get his ex out of the picture. she tried to move on with another guy but she just can’t forget her ex (my bf). she wants him to visit her and he said he would. i’m scared that she might try to win him back and that he might give in to her especially if i’m not there with him. i can’t tell him not to see her and if i insist on going with him would that make me seem like an overprotective gf? i love him and trust him and i want him to have a good time catching up with his ex but i’m scared. if she tries to reignite the flames and bring back the spark he just might give in eventhough he doesn’t love her anymore. you know how guys are physical creatures. that’s what i’m worried about. if he can’t control himself and gives in to her that will be the end of us. it will break my heart to lose him to his ex. one more thing that she has that i don’t have is a much longer and seemingly stronger friendship with him. they knew each other since the beginning of high school and were friends for 3 years before they dated in their final year of school. on the other hand i only knew him for 2 months before we dated. but he says i am the exception and that just because we were friends for only 2 months doesn’t mean that we can’t be lovers for a lifetime. he says we clicked instantly unlike with his ex it took a few years for them to click. i truly do believe him. but i just feel so powerless over his ex. what she has is a childhood friendship with my bf which i don’t have. what i have is the love we share which she no longer has with him. what she has is a one sided love for him. can i truly rely on our love to hold us together and keep us together? is it strong enough to pull us through? is our love stronger than their friendship? can love be stronger than friendship? our 5 month love vs their 5 year friendship. who will win? october 6, 2011, 2:52 am ms.v remember you are the one who is with him now. dont over stress yourself. there is a reason why she is the past. personal experience, when a guy/girl has full confidence of him/herself usually is more attractive and made his/her partner feel relaxed. when you doubt yourself, you are making him doubt about himself too. he might think maybe there was still something between him and his ex and you see it, which is actually nothing, but not him. plus, if he really loves you, he wont leave you. so, why should you trouble yourself thinking about the “what ifs” when there is nothing happening? won’t it be better to spend those time and energy thinking about how to make you two happy than thinking about his past? :) it is not a competition and he is not an award. he is a person that you love who loves you back. just be yourself and relax and you will be just fine. october 18, 2011, 11:04 pm amber hey well i’m single but theirs this guy i really like he says he likes me but i don’t know if he does or not. like i’ve been texting him the past few days and he hardly ever talks to me anymore like he’ll hardly text me back. and usually at night i’ll text him and say goodnight but thats when he wants to talk. we’ve hanged out 3 times and we have dated before but we didn’t take it real we were kind of young then. i can say we haven’t really hanged out a lot like we should but this weekend i am planning on it i hope so? but sometimes he acts like i get on his nerves because i text him a lot when he doesn’t back but today the only time i have text him was tis morning and i said i hope you have a good day and i haven’t said texted him but that text today? should i just give him sometime or move on? october 4, 2011, 7:32 pm les i have been on two dates with a guy, following this he was sending me sweet texts telling me how happy he is signing them xo and telling me he missed me. we live about an hour and a half away from each other. suddenly after his parents came down for a weekend i did not hear from him for three days. he finally did call me up and told me his father has cancer which is why his parents were down, they came to tell him. he has not called me since that day however every three or four days will send me a text message. when i respond he will stay wait days to write back. he is no longer signing the texts xo and has not said anything about getting together again. i am willing to be there for him during this time however as we don’t know each other well i don’t want to push it. for now i have just been letting things go responding when he texts but am unsure how long i should let this go on for? i am not taking it personally however we met online and he is still signing into his online account several times a day, my thoughts being if he has time to sign into his online account he has time to send me a text. hvad skal jeg gøre? october 3, 2011, 11:18 am kathy youre not alone les. sometimes it could be tempting to think such relationship is goin stagnant or sinking and im unsure how much space wud a guy really need when having low days. difficult for a long term relationship, less communication.how confusing. all i know is keeping lines open. november 2, 2011, 11:21 pm jolin i think this is great advise. the guy i’ve been dating fir the past 4 months does similarly. things were going great until his personal life became really stressful. everything in it just blew up on him so he started pulling away from me. of course i thought i did something wrong but after talking about it, he admitted his whole life just feels out of control so he can’t put any more effort into “us” until he gets life together again. i’ll admit i have a very hard time giving him the space he needs and finding the balance between enough space and too much space is nearly impossible. so for now, i try to follow his lead. since we’ve talked about the situation, we both know we’re on the same page and want the relationship to work. i judy have to constantly remind myself to hang on when it’s hard…it’s not personal. thanks for a great response and to the op, good luck and hang in there! october 3, 2011, 5:27 am jenny love story… happy ending or no? on august 18 2008 miguel alked jenny to be his gf by phone. it was his first gf. they only had seen eachohter for 3 days and they went out after that. they were so in love that they would even get made fun of in church and in their homes. sometimes they would even get in trouble at church for being “to in love” they texted eachother everyday. 3 years later shey wold have arguments. jenny would want things her way. and once he inveted his gf to go to his mom wedding so she could renew he vows. she couldnt, jenny said that he couldnt txt her al all. bc she was a very pride person in a bad way. miguel would snet her txt such as i love u ect. and she would saying to not txt or she whouldnt call him. later he sent her a text that he wanted to brake up. she called until he answerd and he explaind that he was tired of her acting mean. that nigth jennies mom called miguel. he explaind what happend and she agred but she said either if he would help jenny out with their relationship or he had to completely forget about her. at the end he took her back. a monht later jenny noticed he wasnt loving as before. she kept asking and asking what was wrong. all he would say is nothing. then she aksed him again. he had told her he didnt love her anymore. jenny decided not to fight and said ok. during this time jenny had a health problem. he stomach grew largly. she tough it might had been bc of her period. and she knew she wanst pergnant bc she and her bf are absitence. one night she couldnt help but think that the guy she had so much in common and whom she loved and thought he loved her had left. she began to feel worse. she didnt eat for 3 days and bacame dizzy and felt like vomoting all the time. that same night her dad took her to the emergency room. they had givin her a cat scan. they found out she had a cist that coverd her whole stomach. they had said that she was going to need a surgury to remove along with her ovary since it came from it. a day before the surgury she called her ex to apoligize since her mom had sent him a mean txt the day they broke up. she explaind what happend and he wanted her to call him asoon as her surgury was done. when she did they talked he had told her that he loved her. and said that he knows it might b confusing to hear that but he was going to lwt her know when he meant it. soon they became freinds with benifits on that day. they talked and soon they attented the same college. they are talking huging kissing and he asked her out. jenny said no bc she didnt want to seem desprate. he said that he would try again… but now amonth has passed and he hasnt asked her yet. the other day she saw him coming out of class with a lady. she didnt see her but by her voice jenny thought she might have been young. she got jeaoluse. and mad. but then it passed.he knew jenny was there. but he still showed her affection.. however. she notices he dsnt ask her to call him or anything. and on phone he treats her normal. he said he would make her fall in love with him much more than she was now. but for jenny it dsnt seem like he is trying. what should she think what should she do.? help me decide. is my love to big for him?…. september 28, 2011, 4:26 pm cindy thank you! i’m really weary of hearing “let them have their space”. a man really must consider their partner’s needs before retreating into their little mental man cave. the best cure for stress is to stop whining and moaning about their pain and reach outside of their self pity and do for others – it takes their focus off themselves and makes them feel part of team humanity april 10, 2017, 1:28 pm vaishali first off, i just want to say somehow almost all of your articles seem to hit home with and i treasure your advice you give, especially your recent email about how women tend to read more into text messages than men. i’m currently dealing with a similar situation where (i think) stress is pulling him away. the guy i’ve expressed interest in is actually a professional athlete so his life is constant stress. he’s new to the profession so he has the demands of fighting for his job everyday, evaluating if the new people in his life are in it for the fame and money or for him, and the constant pressure of going from a student athlete to having a full-time high pressure job. unfortunately his team’s performance has been poor and the members of the team are definitely feeling the brunt of it which means harder practices and more to study. after a loss he’ll shut down and disappear for a day or two. we’ve discussed the important factors between us, that we like each other, that we’ll do our best to try and remain on the same page and discuss (like adults) when we’re not. i’ve also expressed to him that when he “disappears” i’m never worried about another woman or that i’ve done something wrong, i just miss him as it is a long distance relationship-in-the-works. we’ve also discussed him coming to visit me, and me going to see him but since i am stubborn about showing him his money isn’t the reason for my attraction i requested he let me pay for my trip myself which is why the trip is currently delayed at the moment. he’s introduced me to his best friends through skype and even requested that when i go to a friend’s wedding this weekend i go without a date since he won’t be able to attend with me. lately though, since our discussion, i tend to panic slightly when he withdraws. i wonder if it’s just me. i wonder if he’s saying what i want to hear, or if he’s genuine. again, he has done nothing for me to not trust him, i just have general trust and abandonment issues. please help. i’ve done a good job of not showing him my concerns. i’ve kept them to myself, because by the third day he comes back around and we’ll end up skyping once or twice a week for hours at a time. but the stress when he’s gone is draining. any advice will be much appreciated. my self induced panic has been the cause of a lot of bad endings to potential relationships and i am trying what i can to avoid that and know that if it doesn’t work out with this particular person, i can look back and know that it wasn’t my fault. september 27, 2011, 8:17 pm ms.v i am kind of in the same situation or maybe worse. what i did was still text him once in two weeks. most of the time he won’t unless it’s something serious. i thought about the same things as you did, wondering if he is just being nice. but i believe no one knows him better than i do and that also apply to you. sometimes other people’s stories affects our judgements. i just try to be calm, work out constantly and believe what my gut is telling me. what i am doing is simply stop texting and let him take the control. keeping myself beautiful and successful is important either way. a relationship takes two to tango and i cant force him to stay. i love him and if time or others is what he needs and makes him happier, i should let him have it. that’s what true love is i assume. :) at least you guys are still talking and everything. hang on and be strong :) november 3, 2011, 9:43 am lovli i am going through that now. kinda heartbreaking because we are so close. but he went through a divorce with two kids and things has been hitting him alot lately with money, work, kids, ex-wife so he has been stressed out. i try to offer support and encouragement, but he still is stressed and lately been withdrawn because he feels bad that i am going through this with him. i care for him alot. i don’t know what else to do, but to give him space, workout, and try to stay busy. which has been very hard to do when i’m used to communicating with him 3-4 times a day and we been together for 7 months and was planning a future together. if anyone has any advice on that..i’m open to it. july 23, 2013, 5:43 pm