Spørg en fyr: Hvordan kan jeg udtrykke det, jeg har brug for uden at være nødlidende?

cecilia tak fordi du stavede behovet, som er det grundlæggende spørgsmål at behandle, inden noget andet. Jeg var ikke så opmærksom på, hvordan tilstanden er, før jeg læste, hvor meget du dissekerer det i ikke kun en, men et antal af dine artikler. 19. april 2019, 10:04 eric charles selvfølgelig er jeg glad for, at du kunne lide det. der er mange mennesker, der taler om trængsel og siger, at de ikke er trængende, men de tager sig tid til at konkret definere nøjagtigt, hvad det er, og hvorfor det virker imod, at du får det, du virkelig vil have. tak for kommentaren. 25. april 2019, 21:43 nise hej eric, jeg er faktisk begyndt at gøre en masse ting, som du taler om, og det fungerer. Jeg har et langdistanceforhold, og i stedet for at miste mig selv i det, har jeg trukket mig tilbage. Jeg ser ham bevæge sig fremad. Jeg ændrede hans ringetone til alle andres, så jeg bemærker, at jeg opfører mig som Pavlovs hund, og jeg kører ham ikke ned. han ved, at jeg er her for ham, og jeg fortæller ham, hvor glad det gør mig, når han gør noget, jeg kan lide. han er en workaholic og han elsker det, han gør. han er en virksomhedsejer og jeg er hans største cheerleader. men jeg er færdig med alle de grødede morgentekster, der får mig til at arbejde op. Jeg ved, at han har bemærket, at de er stoppet, fordi han sender dem til mig. intet forslag endnu, men vi får se. Jeg stiller ikke krav til ham, og jeg ved, hvornår nok er nok. lige nu er vi et sødt sted, indtil jeg flytter til næste år. tak skal du have! 19. juli 2018, 06:21 t er det muligt for nogen at inspirere trængende i dig? det lyder måske underligt, men med de fleste fyre, jeg har datet, har det været godt, jeg kunne tage det eller lade det være. men der har været et par mænd her og der, hvor jeg af en eller anden grund følte mig usikker. Jeg ved ikke, om det var fordi fyren syntes kritisk, eller hvad. Jeg løber normalt den anden vej, når jeg reagerer sådan på en fyr. Jeg har ikke lyst til at være trængende generelt, men jeg er nysgerrig efter, om det er muligt at føle sig trængende omkring nogle mænd og ikke andre. 11. januar 2018, 8:17 rubin godt spørgsmål veludtalt! jeg er i samme båd - langdistanceforhold. det er ikke den ideelle situation og giver nogle udfordringer, men vi kan ikke hjælpe den, vi elsker. Jeg kæmper med dette spørgsmål fra tid til anden med min bf. Jeg elsker ham, og jeg ved, at han elsker mig, og han siger det regelmæssigt, men for nylig er han mindre opmærksom, end han plejede at være. Jeg ved fra mine egne forhold, fra venner og fra at læse online, én ting er meget almindelig - kvinder, der ønsker mere opmærksomhed, og mænd giver mindre af det over tid ... mens de stadig elsker hinanden. dette er meget forvirrende for kvinder, for når vi er forelsket, har vi et naturligt ønske om at ønske at gøre ting for og med vores mand. for os at vise din kærlighed regelmæssigt er simpelthen hvad du gør. jo mere vi vil have ham, jo ​​mere vil vi bruge tid sammen med ham. så når mænd ikke gør det - eller hvad der er mest forvirrende for os, når de oversvømmede os med en masse opmærksomhed og derefter vender tilbage - har vi det som om de elsker os mindre. det er fordi hans opførsel ændrer sig, at vi bliver ked af det. det er ikke som om han er en neanderthaler og ved simpelthen ikke, hvordan han skal vise sin kærlighed - det gør han tydeligt, da han gjorde så meget af det tidligt. eric gør et godt punkt her - ikke at sprænge det ud af proportioner. da jeg først læste, at jeg havde den typiske kvindelige tarmreaktion - en anden mand, der nedladte os for at være ”følelsesmæssige”. men jeg vil opfordre kvinder til ikke at have den reaktion. det er ikke det, han siger. han råder os til at sætte det i perspektiv. Jeg elsker rådet om ikke at se det som et 'behov' - snarere som noget, du gerne vil have. dette hjælper mig meget. Jeg indrømmer, at jeg har set visse ting som 'behov', såsom mere kontakt. kvinder taler om disse ting på en sådan måde - 'Jeg har brug for x i mit forhold.' men jo ældre jeg bliver, jo mere lærer jeg, at det hele er en give and take. og vi skal være åbne for at erkende måder, som en mand viser sin kærlighed på, som måske ikke er de måder, vi tror, ​​vi har brug for. dette koncept får mig til at indse, at min reaktion ikke behøver at blive såret eller blive ked af det - men blot at udtrykke, hvad jeg kan lide. en kvinde, der giver positiv feedback for ting, hun kan lide, er vigtig. men jeg er nødt til at fortælle dig eric, det fører ikke altid til mere af det samme fra manden. Jeg ville ønske, at det var så let. mænd kan være meget taknemmelige og rulles derefter sammen som normalt. det er også svært at rose ham for noget, hvis han ikke gør det meget ofte. selvfølgelig, når du er i et langdistanceforhold, er der mange udfordringer som 'at være sammen.' en ting jeg gør med min bf er videospil til flere spillere. det er en fantastisk måde at tilbringe tid sammen og have det sjovt og chatte på samme tid. jo mere sjov I har sammen, jo lykkeligere bliver I i jeres forhold. mit spørgsmål til dig eric: kan en kvinde bare bede om noget specifikt som 'kan vi lave en plan om at tale i telefonen en gang om ugen?' når jeg sætter det i ord, lyder det næsten ungdommeligt, men min hjerne kører farveskalaen på noget som dette - vil han føle sig fastgjort? hader mænd en sådan planlagt rutine? virker det for trængende? men det er noget, jeg virkelig vil have - regelmæssig kontakt. for mig at vide, at vi vil tale, siger i slutningen af ​​ugen, holder mig beroliget i de tider, vi ikke taler. det giver os noget at se frem til. en af ​​de sværeste dele af relationer for kvinder ved at spekulere på, om du kan bede om, hvad du vil have, eller om det bliver en turn-off. og den anden side af det er - er dette ikke et partnerskab? vi skulle ikke være nødt til at tappe dans omkring, hvad en mand ønsker eller føler og sætte os på andenpladsen hele tiden. nogle af os kæmper virkelig med dette. Jeg blev opdraget af forældre, der troede, at det at bede om, hvad du ville, var egoistisk, og du ikke ønsker at være egoistisk. så jeg har aldrig lært at bede om, hvad jeg vil have med en mand. så det gør jeg normalt ikke, hvilket bliver til vrede, og ... vi kender resten af ​​historien. Jeg tænker altid, 'hvad vil han tænke?' eller 'skal jeg slukke for ham?' hvilket er lidt skør. Jeg skulle bare være i stand til at sige, hvad jeg vil. 14. november 2016, 10:29 jess Jeg har lyst til at jeg har generet min kæreste meget de sidste par dage. han bliver stille og ser ud til at være sur hele tiden, og jeg kan ikke finde ud af hvorfor. Jeg prøver at tale med ham, men han fortsætter med at fortælle mig, at alt er i orden. det gør mig ked af, at jeg har lyst til at jeg generer ham, og jeg har en tendens til bare at lade ham være i fred i et stykke tid, hvis han vil have lidt plads. vi flyttede lige sammen i en anden tilstand, men han synes ikke så begejstret for det og får mig til at tro, at han fortryder det. Jeg aner ikke hvad jeg skal gøre. hjælp venligst? 6. oktober 2016, 3:11 am anita laughlin min mand er forelsket i en anden kvinde, og jeg ved det. men jeg vil ikke forlade ham, for den anden kvinde får ham. han har sat mig og min søn ud af sit hus og flyttet den anden kvinde ind .. da hun forlod ham, gik jeg tilbage. vi diskuterede ægteskab og var forlovet, men nåede det aldrig. så længe han tager sig af hjemmet, er jeg ligeglad. Jeg ved, at han elsker mig, men jeg ved også, at han også elsker den anden kvinde. det påvirker ikke kun mig, det påvirker min søn. jeg vil hellere være elendig med ham end ham være glad for hende. hjælp 15. september 2016, 17:47 alexus fangede ham snyd… .. hej yall. Jeg har været sammen med min mand i 2 år, og vi har en 6 måneder gammel søn, og han har taget min anden søn (hans sæddonar har aldrig eksisteret), jeg stoppede med at arbejde, da jeg fandt ud af, at jeg var gravid. Jeg arbejder på siden for indkomst. så jeg er stadig uafhængig for så vidt angår min personlige økonomi. han er en mand, hvis midler langt fra er lave. han arbejder, når han vil, han er sin chef. da jeg blev gravid, skiftede tingene hurtigt. Jeg ved, jeg er en god lookimg kvinder. han ved det også. Jeg har krop, hår, øjne sex appel, jeg holder et meget rent hjem og laver et godt måltid. Jeg kan godt lide min vin og bare nyde vores sønner derhjemme. det bliver stressende, og jeg går slet ikke meget ud. Jeg har været mere negativ og stresset for nylig. Jeg indrømmer det, men overalt er jeg en fantastisk kvinde for ham. da jeg begyndte at lægge mærke til forandringen, begyndte han ikke at ringe så meget, blev ude senere, svarede ikke, fortællede mig ikke meget om noget, han er hurtig til at snappe, bebrejder mig for alt forkert, stoppet kommunikation stoppede gaverne, stoppede komplimenter, bare stirrer på tv'et, når jeg taler, indrømmer aldrig, han er forkert, han truer mig, har ramt mig mere end én gang listen fortsætter. Jeg elsker stadig denne mand, jeg kender måske dum. alligevel købte jeg en optager og efterlod den i sin bil et par dage og 3 dage senere hørte jeg ham fortælle sin ven om bare at rejse fra at købe en prostitueret uden for bagsiden. hvad!! groft løb jeg straks til ham og kaldte ham ud og slog ham og gik. da jeg besluttede at komme hjem, vækkede jeg ham, og vi kæmpede i 24 timer i træk. han hævder, at han klarede det hele lol. han tager fejl, så kontaktede jeg den pige, hun indrømmede at have sovet hos ham, og sendte mig de billeder, han sendte til hende. han lyver stadig. jeg kender sandheden. han snydede tydeligt. ok jeg er stadig her hos ham. han lover aldrig at skade mig igen. (aslo siger, han er ikke forelsket i mig mere, og at min holdning og mund gør mig uønsket) jeg tror bare jeg har tillid til ham. skal jeg ikke? til sidst græd han, da han så, hvor såret (han græd ikke i år) han har været stor de sidste par dage, og han er normalt tilfreds hjemme for det meste, og storfar er også hjemme hver aften. dette skete i løbet af dagen. men jeg ved ikke, om han vil fortsætte. det håber jeg, han gør. fortæl mig dine tanker. tak for hjælpen fyre vil han snyde igen? vil han nogensinde blive forelsket igen? er der noget, jeg kan gøre? 8. august 2016, 16:18 kirstin hej eric, du sagde, at hvis der er noget, du vil have i et forhold, og det ikke sker, så erkend at du kan leve med det ..jeg er enig. du vil ikke dø ... men hvis du genkender det og er sammen med det, er det ikke lig med at acceptere den adfærd, du får? ... præciser venligst, når man skal acceptere det som noget man kan 'leve med' og fortsætte med forholdet ... og når man skal beslutte, at 'dette er mindre end hvad jeg fortjener, og jeg vil ikke nøjes med det' og bryde 29. maj 2016, 02.43 marian hey eric Jeg er enig med dig i emnet, men jeg vil gerne vide, hvordan en kvinde kan få manden, hun elsker, til at stoppe med at ryge 18. april 2016, 10:34 lam eric, jeg føler det samme ved semi-hyppig kontakt, og jeg er en af ​​de mest sikre, uafhængige kvinder, du nogensinde vil møde. kvinder er ikke som mænd. vi kan ikke bare 'tænde' ved at trykke på en switch, som mænd kan. vi har brug for regelmæssig kontakt for at holde forbindelsen i live. hvis forbindelsen køler af, begynder fyren at føle sig som en fremmed for os. jo længere vi går uden den forbindelse, vi har brug for for at føle os seksuelle, jo mere som en fremmed fyr begynder at føle sig som. de fleste kvinder kan ikke hoppe i seng med en fremmed eller endda lade ham røre eller kysse os. vi er ikke 'kølige'. det er den måde, vi er kablet på. Det er grunden til, at det første kys føles så akavet efter en ren sammenbrud, efter at nogen tid er gået. ja, vi har måske kendt fyren et stykke tid, men for vores psyke uden den intime forbindelse føles han stadig som en fremmed for os. du er nødt til at stoppe med at være så hårdt på vej over, hvad mænd ønsker og ikke vil, og begynde at møde os halvvejs, hvis du vil have succes her. at uddanne os om en mands præferencer er en ting, men at fortælle os, at vi skal opgive, nedtone eller direkte se bort fra vores egne behov, går aldrig. kvinders behov betyder noget, og forhold er en tovejs gade (eller de er slet ikke meget af et forhold). hvis en kvinde handler 'trængende' (og jeg hader dette udtryk, fordi det er blevet en generisk, skylden, undskyldning for mænd til at være egoistisk i et forhold), er det fordi hendes grundlæggende behov ikke bliver opfyldt for at lade hende føle sig trygge i et forhold af lig. det er et råb om opmærksomhed (så at sige) fra hendes følelsesmæssige centrum for at bringe tingene tilbage i balance. Jeg mener, er det virkelig så svært, og så meget at bede om, at en fyr tager et par minutter ud af en dag for at tjekke ind i navnet på forholdet vedligeholdelse? hvis det er, har den pågældende kvinde og forholdet ikke meget værdi for ham. 11. januar 2016, 06:55 marge hej lam, jeg kan virkelig godt lide det, du skrev! Jeg har læst artikler her på dette websted for at finde ud af, hvordan jeg skal håndtere min situation. Jeg har også lyst til, at alle rådene læner sig mod, hvad manden ønsker og har brug for, og hvordan kvinden bare skal forstå det, gå 'fyld' op med andre oplevelser og tale med andre mænd osv. godt, hvad med den gamle når en pige bliver forelsket, vil ingen anden mand gøre det ???? hvordan håndterer man det ?? Jeg har talt med en mand, der bor i Florida (jeg bor i NJ) i over 4 år. i den 4-årige periode har jeg kun set ham i 5 dage og 5 dage. når jeg tidligere har spurgt, hvornår han planlægger at komme på besøg, bliver han faktisk lidt snørret afhængigt af hans humør og hvad han havde at gøre med i løbet af dagen. det sætter mig på vagt, når det sker, fordi vi skal elske hver og ønsker at tilbringe liv sammen, så jeg bliver forvirret, såret og vred på, at han konstant udsætter mig. han er lidt ældre end mig, så hans første ting var, at han skal være den, der ser mig først, før jeg kan planlægge at se ham !! dette er hans 'gammeldags' overbevisning om, at manden er den, der forfølger kvinden osv. Jeg har ikke noget imod det, faktisk synes jeg det er ret sødt, men hvornår laver han planen om at komme ???? i løbet af de sidste 4 år har han bedt mig om at vente på en række livsbegivenheder, før han kunne komme og se mig. hvorfor? jeg ved det ikke rigtig. disse livsbegivenheder omfattede: forsøg på at 'genoptage' skilsmissesag med sin eks, fordi hun bugte ham om at komme tilbage (hvilket for mig var en uendelig begivenhed, da hun stadig ringer til i dag, selvom han aldrig svarer eller ringer tilbage); så var han for travl på arbejdet, hvilket viste sig at være ham, der var bange for vores aldersforskel. vi havde sendt e-mails til sådanne vidunderlige ting frem og tilbage og chattet regelmæssigt hele dagen. derefter, da han freaked ud, stoppede han det hele. da jeg spurgte hvorfor, sagde han, at han simpelthen havde travlt. han fortalte mig for nylig om dette. den næste ting, og det var ikke hans skyld, han blev diagnosticeret med prostatakræft! Jeg ventede gennem den 2,5-årige behandlingsperiode, hvor han sagde hele tiden, så snart kræften er væk, vil jeg komme og se dig! kræften blev løst, men jeg så ham stadig ikke, fordi han nu ville vente, indtil han blev pensioneret! han har været pensioneret nu siden august 2016, og den allerførste gang han kom, var det lige efter, at jeg havde fået min hofteudskiftningskirurgi. mens jeg elskede at have ham med mig, kunne jeg ikke gøre noget på grund af al smerten, så jeg har faktisk tænkt siden det måske var årsagen til at han ikke havde noget imod at komme dengang fordi jeg var teknisk ”sikker”. jeg ved, at jeg er nødt til at overveje, at en af ​​bivirkningerne ved prostata-behandlingen var erektil dysfunktion, så han har kæmpet med det. den irriterende del af dette er, at han har måder at rette ed på, men han er sporadisk til at gøre det, at det får mig til at føle, at det ikke er vigtigt for ham. der er mange ting, han har sagt og gjort for at få mig til at tro, at han bryr sig eller endda elsker mig, men jeg er ikke helt sikker på, at det er på samme niveau som min kærlighed til ham! bundlinjen er, at jeg er forfærdeligt træt af at vente. Jeg er ikke en stor dater, og jeg har ikke haft mange romantiske øjeblikke med mænd ... især før ham, så ideen om bare at skære ham ud af mit liv falder ikke godt sammen med mig. Jeg har haft en lille succes med at lukke den del af min hjerne, der siger romantisk kærlighed til ham, og er uvilligt begyndt at se ham som kun en ven og være god med det. Jeg har bemærket, at mit humør lyser lidt op, men ikke for meget endnu. alligevel taler vi stadig, han fortæller mig stadig, hvor vidunderlig jeg er osv., og jeg føler mig vidunderlig, når vi taler, men når jeg lægger på, føler jeg mig så tom og ensom indeni. han er ikke en tekster, så jeg har ikke engang det at falde tilbage på. siden han er blevet pensioneret, har han travlt med pligter rundt i huset, købt en ny motorcykel og en båd og tager dem begge ud mindst en eller to gange om dagen. det er vidunderligt for ham, men alt hvad jeg skal gøre er at gå på arbejde, gå hjem, tale med ham, gå i seng og derefter gå tilbage på arbejde. det gør ondt, at han gør alle disse ting uden mig, og det ser ikke engang ud til, at han har noget imod det. Jeg kan ikke lade være med at tro, at den gamle ting 'ude af syne, ude af sind' sker her hele den forbandede tid !! alt hvad jeg ved er, at jeg er blevet lidt hårdere, mit hjerte har lukket nogle, og jeg er virkelig træt af at blive sat andet end alt andet !! Jeg hader ham ikke ... endnu, og det vil jeg ikke, så jeg tror bare jeg ser på ham som intet andet end en ven. tak for læsningen! 19. september 2017, 11:40 sean hej eric, for omkring 3 måneder siden stødte jeg på en gammel flamme (den lokale pub, som ikke en af ​​os var gået til i meget lang tid) henvendte hun sig til mig og kom med en besked, jeg havde sendt hende sidst, vi talte. (for omkring et og et halvt år siden), og vi har talt hver dag siden, vi deltog endda i et hårdt mudder-løb sammen. hun fortalte mig, at hun kan lide mig, og hun ved, at jeg kan lide hende. men hver gang jeg nævner at møde, sker det aldrig, eller hun siger, at hun har for travlt! (hun har sin egen forretning, som hun driver hjemmefra, og en 8 år gammel søn) og hun fortæller mig altid, at jeg ikke skal ned for at ikke se hende, da det ikke vil være sådan for evigt ... men hun har altid tid til at se venner (mand og kvinde) og familie, der bor nede ad vejen fra mig ... men aldrig har fri tid til at se mig ... Jeg har endda prøvet at organisere en dato på forhånd, men det viser sig, at hun også havde travlt. sidste gang vi så hinanden var på halloween, vi sov sammen og begge havde det sjovt (vi brød min seng undervejs) hun opholdt sig et par timer om morgenen og kramede sig i sengen og talte, så hun gik ... vi taler stadig hver dag. Jeg antager, at mit spørgsmål er. hvad kan jeg gøre, eller hvad kan jeg sige til hende for faktisk at komme til at se hende uden at lyde virkelig nøjeregnende. 28. november 2015, 19:15 emma hej, jeg har et spørgsmål som andre, jeg har læst im, der står over for spørgsmålet om min forlovede, der ikke sender mig meget eller sms'er tilbage. weve har for nylig haft samtaler om, at jeg ikke smsede så meget, som han følte sig tilstrækkelig, så jeg har bakket op, men jeg føler, at han får, hvad han vil, og jeg behøver ikke, at han skal støtte mig og pleje og elske mig altid og sende mig en sms for genoplivning, men jeg behøver ikke vil være trængende, men jeg kan ikke hjælpe det, jeg elsker ham, og jeg vil gerne tale med hej hele tiden, men han plejer ikke. men han brugte også .. jeg ved ikke, hvordan jeg får ham til at tænke mere på mig og vil gerne sende mig mere råd om, hvordan jeg kan få ham til at tale med mig? Jeg gør så meget for ham, og jeg har lyst til, at det mindste, han kunne gøre, er at sende mig en sms hver gang, men måske beder jeg for meget ?? Jeg har ikke meget af et socialt liv på grund af mine nuværende situationer, men det gør han, og det betyder, at han ender mere fokuseret på det end mig, er jeg selvisk? Jeg vil bare føle, at han elsker mig lige så meget som jeg elsker ham, og jeg vil have ham til at tale med mig og vil have ham til at kræve mig som han brugte også. 17. november 2015, 14:27 leia hej alle !!! Jeg ville bare sige, at eric charles ting virkelig virker. Jeg begyndte at danse en gu for tre måneder siden. Jeg brugte alle de tip, jeg havde brugt i disse artikler på dette websted. Jeg sørgede for, at jeg var sammen med flere fyre på samme tid, ikke freak out, hvis man ikke sendte tekst tilbage med det samme, gjorde mig selvsikker og ønskelig, men også når han havde brug for mig, var jeg der for at han kunne støtte ham følelsesmæssigt. han gjorde tingene officielle efter en måneds dating !!! to måneder ind i forholdet sagde han, jeg elsker dig !!! han ringer til mig flere gange hver dag. vi ser hinanden mindst en gang om ugen. han er vild med mig. disse ting fungerer virkelig. det er ikke, at kvinderne skal lægge alt arbejdet i. Det er bare, at mænd er anderledes end kvinder. så hvis du er der, når han har brug for dig og bliver hans muse, eller den ene pige, han altid kan stole på, behøver du aldrig bekymre dig om, at han ikke ringer eller sender en sms igen. han vil elske dig bare for at være der og være dig selv. Jeg ved, at mit forhold er ret nyt, og at der er meget, der stadig kan gå galt, men jeg vil helt sikkert trofast læse eric charles artikler og e-mails, så jeg kan beholde dette forhold i lang tid. 16. november 2015, 08:34 lam jeg ved det ikke, jeg har læst en hel del af dine artikler i løbet af de sidste par uger, og mens de gør noget fornuft på en side, som jeg ikke har overvejet, ser jeg et tema komme frem. især med denne artikel. du besvarede ikke hendes spørgsmål, som dybest set var 'hvad er den rigtige måde at bede om, hvad jeg har brug for?' dybest set sagde du til hende, at hun ikke havde brug for noget, og hun skulle 'ikke', hvis hun er tilfreds med sig selv. ja, det er bare en opvarmet version af en følelsesmæssigt kold og egoistisk fyr, der fortæller en kvinde 'ikke at have nogen forventninger'. Jeg har sagt det før, og jeg vil sige det igen, det er bare en tyr **** undskyldning for en mand til at handle så dårligt eller skødesløst som han vil og ikke behøver at høre om det. Jeg taler ikke om uophørlig nagende eller patologisk trængsel her. hendes behov betyder noget, og det er helt korrekt, når der ikke er regelmæssig kontakt (et par tekster eller en kort samtale vil gøre, når han ikke har fri tid til at mødes), vil en kvindes følelser køle af. Jeg kan ikke reagere fysisk med min fyr med så meget begejstring, som jeg normalt vil, når han føler mig som en fremmed for mig. fyren skal gøre en indsats for at holde forbindelsen varm. det er alt, hvad hun beder om. det er ikke trængende, og det er ikke meget eller endog urimeligt at bede om. hun har brug for dette grundlæggende behov opfyldt for at forhindre sine følelser i at løsne sig og glide baglæns. du ser ud til at give dig selv og alle fyre en bekvem undskyldning for ikke at være en lige partner i pleje og fodring af et forhold ved at mærke en kvinde som den frygtede 'trængende', hvis hun endda så meget som nævner, hvad der er vigtigt for hendes følelsesmæssige velvære. du kan godt lide at understrege, hvordan mænd har fysiske behov, ja kvinder har følelsesmæssige behov, og fordi du ikke eller din er anderledes eller ikke er så stærke, gør hun ikke uværdig til at overveje eller 'forkert'. det ser ud til at være den besked, du sender her, og det virker forfærdeligt selvbetjenende for mig. 29. juli 2015, 1:37 am t godt sagt! pænt sat lam. Jeg tænkte det samme. du lyder som en meget retfærdig, logisk, moden person. 27. august 2015, 20:13 eric charles måske men hun fortolker min artikel fuldstændigt ... jeg er ikke uenig i følelsen af ​​hvad hun siger, men jeg tror hun fik indtryk af, at jeg skubber noget, jeg ikke er. forhåbentlig hjalp min meget lange og vandrende kommentar med at afklare lidt… 28. august 2015, 12:59 eric charles du ser dette som en 'tyr **** undskyldning for en mand til at handle så dårligt eller skødesløst som han vil ”... hvem tvinger dig til at være i et forhold med en fyr, der handler dårligt og skødesløst? ud fra det, du skrev, gav det mig et indtryk, at du tror, ​​at jeg sidder med mænd (desuden sidder med mænd, der handler skødesløst og dårligt) ... jeg “sidder ikke” med kvinder eller mænd ... jeg sidder med hvad vil føre til et godt forhold og lykke for alle involverede. at være i et forhold med en fyr, der ikke er ligeglad med at gøre noget, er ikke noget, jeg går ind for at stille med ... men jeg går heller ikke ind for at bebrejde fyren for at tilbageholde noget, du har brug for. kan du ikke lide forholdet, som det er? du kan prøve at invitere personen til at ændre sig, men du kan ikke kontrollere deres følelser, reaktioner eller handlinger, i sidste ende ... så mens du kan prøve, er du nødt til at huske, at i sidste ende ingen kan kontrollere en anden person. du kan invitere dem til at ændre, men i sidste ende kan du ikke skabe dem. så hvis du virkelig føler, at du ikke har det forhold, du ønsker, og du har gjort alt hvad du ved, hvordan du forbedrer kvaliteten af ​​dit forhold, så er det vigtigt at huske, at du vælger at være i forholdet. hver morgen, du vågner, vælger du at være sammen med ham ... jeg minder dig om dette, fordi det er vigtigt at huske, at du har magten. du har valget. hvis du ikke længere er tilfreds med dit forhold, har du mulighed for at forlade. på samme tid, hvis du ikke ønsker at rejse, giver det ingen mening at kaste skylden, beskyldninger, forventninger osv. mod den person, du er sammen med, for at slå dem til underkastelse og imødekomme dine krav. folk bliver defensive, når de føler, at du prøver at få dem til at gøre noget ... det er bare en ineffektiv måde at håndtere mennesker på. hvis du vil have et godt forhold, dukke op hel, glad og i fred i dit liv. se ikke til en anden person for at opfylde dig. når du kan dukke op fra det sted, kan du give frit uden at have brug for noget tilbage ... og på grund af dette vil alle dine handlinger og kommunikation have en sødme, der åbner folk i stedet for at lukke dem ned. Jeg ved, at folk kaster ordet 'behov' rundt i forhold, men ideen om virkelig at 'have brug for' en person i et forhold (som jeg definerer det inden for min skrivning) er medafhængig, usund og uønsket for begge involverede. Jeg kan fortælle dig, at inden for min skrivning er jeg konsekvent i min beskrivelse af, hvad jeg taler om, når jeg siger 'brug' i sammenhæng med 'trængsel' eller forhold. som jeg definerer det, er nødighed en tankegang, hvor en person tror, ​​at de har brug for en anden til at handle, reagere, kommunikere osv. på en bestemt måde, ellers kan de ikke være lykkelige. det er en temmelig giftig tankegang at have i et forhold, da det ender med at holde den anden person fanget for enten at imødekomme deres partners krav eller håndtere deres gengældelse for ikke at imødekomme deres krav (hvilket den trængende partner føler sig berettiget til at udlevere, fordi de ikke få det, de har brug for). at du kan vælge, hvem du er sammen med, jeg anbefaler at vælge et forhold, hvis forhold til stil er foreneligt med det, du leder efter ... jeg ved ikke, hvordan eller hvorfor ... men på en eller anden måde blev samfundet overbevist om, at forhold skulle være hårde ... og for at få et godt forhold, ankommer du på en eller anden måde der ved at skubbe en firkantet pløge gennem et rundt hul og * tvinge * det til at arbejde. Jeg forstår, at der er mange artikler på Internettet, der taler om trængsel ... og de er dumme og dårligt skrevet uden dybere forståelse af, hvad et godt arbejdsforhold er ... så diskussionen drejer sig om 'mænd skal gøre dette' , 'Nej de burde ikke, du skulle', 'nej han skulle', 'nej du skulle' ... jeg forstår det ... men mine artikler er ikke det. Jeg ønsker ikke at give mænd en videreformidling af dårlig opførsel ... Jeg ønsker at vise folk, at hvis du læser artikler fra perspektivet, at der er sådan noget som dårlig opførsel fra mænd, kommer du fra et lidet nyttigt perspektiv ... der er masser af ** huller ude i verden ... og gæt hvad? Jeg bruger ikke tid sammen med dem. jeg taler ikke med dem. jeg tænker ikke på dem. det samme for dit forhold - vælg en fyr, der 'arbejder' med dig. 99,99% andre mænd i verden kan være totalt ** huller, men du behøver ikke tænke på dem, være i et forhold med dem osv. Finde en fyr, der arbejder med dig ... og have et godt forhold til ham . Jeg antager, at det skal være et startpunkt ... du skriver, som om jeg fortæller dig, at jeg går ind for, at en kvinde er sammen med en skidt fyr. Jeg vil ikke have det for nogen af ​​kvinderne i min familie, og det vil jeg ikke have for dig. håber, det præciserer - jeg sætter pris på din kommentar, jeg er glad for at du skrev den, men jeg tror, ​​vi ikke var helt på den samme side, da du skrev den ... forhåbentlig hjalp mine lange vandrende kommentarer her noget (har ikke haft kaffe endnu ). :) 28. august 2015, 12:58 pm brooke eric - alle kvinder har brug for kommunikation i et forhold. hvis de spiller seje eller ikke får det fra en mand og bliver 'opfyldt med deres egen lykke' og ikke briner det op og fortæller manden, at de har brug for det, lyver de eller accepterer at slå sig ned. alle kvinder har brug for det, bundlinjen. alle mænd har brug for sex i et forhold. gør det mænd trængende? hun spørger, hvordan han skal opdrage, han ønsker, i et forhold til en mand. utallige gifte kvinder i vellykkede forhold har haft en konvoj med en mand som denne. du lærer mænd hvordan man behandler dig, og hun beder om måder at føre en samtale uden at bebrejde ham for noget der lyder naggy. relationer tager arbejde og kommunikation. 12. oktober 2015, 9:59 am eric charles brooke - et af de vigtigste spørgsmål, vi har i det moderne samfund, er, at folk er blevet bundet til at tro, at deres forholdspartner er slutningen-alt være alt manglende stykke, der vil gøre dem hele og gøre dem lykkelige. de fleste mennesker køber sig ind i den idé hook-line-and-sinker og indgår i relationer som en brudt, uopfyldt person, der tænker, at den anden persons rolle er at udfylde deres huller og imødekomme alle deres 'behov'. her er problemet med dette paradigme ... i de fleste tilfælde viser begge mennesker brudte og uopfyldte. så forholdet får hurtigt en tone, hvor hver person føler sig uopfyldt og forkert af den anden person. Jeg siger ikke, at kommunikation ikke er en stor og værdifuld ting i et forhold. Jeg siger ikke, at et godt forhold ikke har to mennesker, der laver ting for hinanden for at få den anden til at føle sig godt, set, opfyldt osv., hvad jeg siger er, at hvad folk virkelig har brug for i forhold er at lære personligt følelsesmæssigt ansvar og gøre opfyldelsen af ​​deres ønsker og ønsker til sit eget ansvar i stedet for at belaste den anden person med det. Jeg har aldrig sagt ikke at kommunikere til den anden person, hvad du vil have. Det er utroligt vigtigt at fortælle din forholdspartner, hvad du sætter pris på i et forhold, og hvad du vil have, for at få det, du vil have. Jeg kalder det dog ikke et behov. folk kaster ordbehovet meget rundt i et forhold. mennesker har brug for mad, vand og ilt. Jeg tror, ​​at hvis du gik til et tredjelandes land og talte om jeres forhold 'behov', ville de gerne spytte med vrede om, hvor forkælet denne moderne kultur er med deres følelse af berettigelse, og hvor skødesløst de kaster ordet 'behov ”. mænd har ikke brug for sex, de vil have det ... og hvis den person, de er sammen med, ikke kan eller ikke kan give dem det, får de det et andet sted. kvinder har ikke brug for kommunikation, de vil have det ... og hvis den person, de er sammen med, ikke vil eller ikke kan give dem det, får de det et andet sted. the word “need” getting thrown around just sounds so bratty and spoiled… that said, would i personally stay in a relationship with bad communication? no, absolutely not… and i’m a guy. hvorfor? because there are so, so, so many choices out there… why would i waste my time trying to shove a square peg through a round hole? i would try my best for a limited window of time, but i wouldn’t whine and pout that the other person isn’t giving me what i “need”, like a cruel person withholding an oxygen mask while i’m suffocating under water. no, i would tell them what i want and value in a relationship and i would work with them to meet what i want (and do my best to give them what they want to), but if it’s not working after a strong, sustained, ongoing effort, that’s when i would throw in the towel and move on. nowhere in any of that does whining about someone not meeting what i “need” come up — we are all much stronger than most people act in this modern society. october 12, 2015, 11:18 am lam men in a third world country would spit with anger because they do not and will not ever see women as equals. women are livestock to them. their only value is as breeders and unpaid domestic servants. that is why men from a third world country will tell you women are entitled to nothing. january 11, 2016, 7:12 am brooke agree 100% needing something to be happy in a relationship is not neediness. men need sex to have a fulfilling and happy relationship, on average they need it more than women. women need communication to feel happy and fulfilled in a relationship, on average we need it more than men. when a partner isn’t getting what they need in a relationship they communicate to each other. if both parties can’t meet half way, then you move on. you’re right, completely. men and women both have to work at it. we’re different it takes time and sacarfice. his below still does not address your comment. eric she’s not trying to beat anyone to submission. yes women need things in a relationship and so do men and look at any healthy relationship and the couple will to you tell they communicate each other’s needs in order to make it work. october 12, 2015, 10:09 am john no, men don’t need sex. we’re tired of being manipulated by sex, so we’ve developed substitutes. you keep thinking that your vagina gets you out of responsibility to be a loving partner, and see how far that gets you these days. october 19, 2015, 12:48 am brooke eric i have a question for you. the guy that i have been talking to for a couple months pretty much like my bf pays me no attention at all. i’m not saying i need attention but communication is key for me. but i have told him like i really want to talk more or have a consistent conversation with you over text for at least 30minutes out of my day or else i’m leaving. because its a long distance relationship. and he still doesn’t hit me up. he text me good morning and then doesn’t text me back until that afternoon and then doesn’t text me back till that night. we exchange a couple text messages and then he doesn’t . now within those text messages he’s amazing! i love talking to him.! its just i told him my standards and he hasn’t made any effort to meet them. but besides the day after i told him i was going to leave if things didn’t change when we do talk he’s everything i’ve ever wanted.. but i refuse to sit here and chase someone who i’m not in a relationship with but he claims he loves me and i’m his forever.. i just don’t want to be throwing away a good guy just because i want to talk alot. please help! april 25, 2015, 11:45 am sam hey eric, i wanted to send this message to the guy i’m currently dating. i would like your feedback on it and please let me know if should change anything. i’m sure it needs help. “i hope you are doing well, and you’re happy with your new job. the reason i’m writing this message to you is to explain how i feel and put everything on the table i’m not blaming you for anything and nothing is your fault. i really like you and i respect you, that’s why i think its important to let you know how i’m feeling. in the past few days, and especially since last weekend i’ve been thinking of you and i. we chatted, we met, we shared a great connection. i felt close and opened up to you in a short period of time, and hoped you felt the same. in the past few days, however, i started feeling a distance between us. from decrease in communication, to decrease in the time we spent together, and may have felt a bit pushed away. i understand that you’re going through some stuff, and talking about them to me may not be easy for you. i wanted to be there for you, but nontheless, i respected your need for space. to be honest, i was very confused when you sent me those sweet messages sunday evening and saying how you want this to work, then the following few days you were distant, and now, not ing to my texts, which contradicts what was was said. i know what i want and what i deserve. i like you alot. i really wanted us to work, and i didn’t see a reason for us not to. but, i also know that i want to be with someone who wants to be with me just as much. someone who is willing to put in to this as much as i am willing to put in. and at the moment, i’m sorry to say i’m not feeling that. and i feel that part of the reason has to do with your past. not just the family moving in or the new job and work. on our first date i came to meet you with an open mind and heart. i have no feelings towards anyone from my past nor do i have any ties to them whatsoever. i know that you just recently got out of your relationship and i understand, but i can’t accept to just be a rebound or provide a distraction whenever its convenient for you. i wanted us to work together towards strengthening what you and me had and see where it goes, and that might be difficult if you are still holding on to the past. i wanted you to also want more with me because you want me in your life. i love my life and it would be even more awesome if you choose to be in it. but if you are still scared or not sure of what you want, or who you want i would rather know now so i can make the decision that’s best for me and my well being.i wouldn’t be sad if you tell me the truth and be open and honest with me about it.i truly want what’s best for you because you are an amazing human being, i respect you very much and i am honoured to have met you.” april 24, 2015, 9:03 am chantee eric! i have committed to reading all of your blog posts. it’s so refreshing to hear this blunt perspective. love it and thank you! ???? april 6, 2015, 6:41 pm brenda zamudio i think women often confuse our desires (what we want/wish for) with what we need. i don’t need a love interest to call me ten times a day, but i enjoy sharing my daily life with that person that i am interested in. i think that most women like reassurance, and when we don’t immediately get it from a man, it throws us into a tailspin! i agree that it’s not what you say but how you say it that matters. also, understand that most men don’t want to know about every little aspect of your life, if you don’t get a call or text, it’s alright. just be the amazing, confident woman you are, claim that relationship that you want, and leave those multiple conversations to your girlfriends. march 28, 2015, 6:21 am ashton actually that did not answer her question at all. i have the same exact question, because i just started a new relationship and not getting enough communication which i think is really necessary in a ldr. i don’t want to bring it up without sounding “needy” especially since it is new. you basically told the woman who asked the question that she doesn’t “need” this communication. who are you to determine what she needs? yeah she won’t die, it’s an improper use of “need”, in reality it’s “really wants/likes/very important” to her for her ldr to last. i don’t really see how you can say it’s not important and that it shouldn’t be and she should basically get over it and not talk about it. that’s ridiculous. horrible answer in my opinion. february 26, 2015, 2:18 pm eric charles yeah — it’s not a need… and when you realize it’s a want, that realization can really bring a lot of relief in it of itself. beyond that… the issue isn’t really even an issue… her response to the problem she’s created in her mind is what’s creating the suffering. and when a person is suffering from their own self-created problem (stemming from their perspective), it brings down their mood… which brings down their vibe… and creates an actual problem when there really wasn’t one to begin with… so yeah, i addressed the deeper problem… not the reflexive cycle of mental craving and relief that would just have indefinitely perpetuated had i not spoken to the core issue here… and that’s even more relevant in a ldr. and as for me saying she doesn’t “need” the communication and who am i to tell her that? umm… that’s just fact. i have yet to see someone drop dead from not getting a text… there’s nothing wrong with communicating what you want to a partner… even a new partner… and if you want to do it effectively, the #1 most important factor is that you’re doing it from a foundation where you are stable and ok no matter what (versus upset, worried, afraid, angry, etc.) when i answer something, it might not be the answer you want to hear. that’s not my aim — my aim is to give you what’s going to most quickly and effectively give you the result you really want: to have a great, effortless, awesome relationship and be ok along every step of the way. february 26, 2015, 2:34 pm jen hey eric, just wanted to say that i think your advice rocks – and it’s so eerily true! i went on a couple of dates with a guy, then i texted him about something (i honestly can’t remember what), and then i didn’t hear from him for three weeks. 12 months ago, i would have demanded an answer to why he didn’t text me. now, i just brushed it off and kept going. and lo and behold – last night, he texted me! i’m not sure if we’ll go out again, but it was a real boost knowing that if you just stop taking it all to heart, and don’t interpret a man’s lack of response as rejection, how much more fun dating is. girls, seriously, eric is on the money. stop all the drama, and just go with the flow you’ll be glad you did. ;) march 19, 2015, 4:53 am t hey jen, so, that’s great that him not texting you for 3 weeks didn’t bother you. i guess the two of you were not that close really; only just beginning to see one another, so this is normal in a casual “dating” type scenario. however, from an outside perspective, you asked him a direct question and he just completely ignored you for 3 weeks (?!?) — that to me just seems plain rude. it’s only the beginning, so your relationship, if it’s worth it, will either blossom and grow, or fade away. i just have to warn you though — don’t let him think that he can just come and go from your life as he pleases. that is never satisfying unless you’ve got like 5 guys you’re juggling and they all do the same thing (then, it sort of works :-p). august 27, 2015, 8:27 pm anonymiss so what this guy is saying is that women shouldn’t speak up about what they want simply because men can not comprehend this and end up feeling blamed. this is the most insane thing i’ve ever heard. for example, you ask for a sandwich and the guy at the deli gets angry and avoidant because he thinks you’re blaming him for your hunger. soninstead, us women are supposed to keep quiet and try to condition the guy into doing it through praise. i’ll pass, thanks, and wait to meet a guy i can talk to honestly. january 12, 2015, 3:17 pm rosana i just found this website searching for pretty similar advice to what was in this article and ended reading a whole bunch of related “ask a guy” questions. your advice is mostly sound and pretty mature. however, i can’t completely agree with what you answer here. i mean, yes, it is true that you don’t really need anything and that most people need to stop stressing about the what ifs of their relationship so much; but it is also true that a good relationship requires give and take, some communication, and sometimes people really do need certain things to be able to deal with a relationship, particularly a long distance relationship. it is perfectly healthy to communicate your needs, wants and expectations, and it’s even more necessary when it comes to such an intense (and hard) commitment. you seem to be blowing off some very simple requests that she has to help her deal with the distance for no reason other than “he won’t like it”. while i’m sure that you might give this same advice were the genders reversed, it doesn’t seem fair that your advice is “if you’re unhappy with something your partner is doing, don’t tell him/her, because you’ll just push him/her away by letting them know something that they might not even realize.” i don’t know, i might just be being a bit naive about this, but not communicating your boundaries in such a complicated situation seems to me to be the perfect recipe for disaster (sure, the other person might be perfectly happy, but the person who isn’t will slowly grow resentful over this issue because, if it isn’t addressed, it will most likely persist). how is never telling someone that something they are doing is hurting good relationship advice? january 7, 2015, 5:18 pm yuna dear eric, i have been with my boyfriend ldr almost six months now..he wants to ends the relationship even though its very hard for me to accept it and i still wants him to continued the realtionship with him coz i still love him..i tried to talk to him nicely and asked him to be with me again and i am always asking him whether he is still love me..but he never replied it…but one thing i dont understand when i said i missed him alot he will replied he missed me too. i am sick and tired chasing after him everytime i missed him like texting him but he seldoms replied it…he seems avoiding from me whenever i try to text him and give many reasons that he cant talk or replied my text cosz he was too busy with his new works…he actually got the job and the job makes him work for 12 hours every day with out any off day…and i felt have no time for him he always busy with his work..i try to forget him but i cant..i still keep on texting him eventhough i knew he wouldnt replied it..please help me how to stop from texting him…eventhough i am trying to make myself busy but still i remembered him.. he seems not to care about me what he cared his career and his friends. please help me how to over come this problem n also to know whether he still in love with me or not coz i dont understand actually what he really wanted in this realtionship… december 15, 2014, 2:43 am elizabeth i really enjoy reading your articles. i’m hoping you could give me some advice. i’ve been with my husband for 18 years and married for 15. we have one child together, and i have one from a previous relationship. my husband is a hard working man, but for years his work always came before everything. always a argument to get him to go anywhere, so through the years i just went myself with the kids. this past year i find my feelings changing and he has noticed too. now he is overwhelmingly up my butt, but the only reason i believe he is, is because i have feelings for someone else. he doesn’t know that for sure, because it’s just speculation. i really care for the other guy but he himself hasn’t been in a committed relationship with anyone for over years because of two really bad prior relationships. he has two daughters, one from each woman. he is absolutely a amazing dad. i can’t figure him out he is so up and down with me. it seems like when we are together physically, he pulls away. my husband recently made trouble for him at his job. since then he has pulled back significantly. i don’t blame him, but i find he still in and out of my life and i can’t cut him off. is it he has been hurt so much before and doesn’t think i will leave for him. he said he is not going anywhere, but i need to settle what i have here first. if he says he is not going anywhere, why is he so distant to me?? i know it sounds like a no brainer, but to me it really so hard to figure out.thank you. i look forward to your response. december 13, 2014, 4:19 pm bcamp me and my boyfriend live together were together all the time but he never shows me love or affection and i’m getting to my breaking point where i can’t do it anymore but i love him and don’t want to leave like we barley even have conversation never shows me affection or love but claims to love me ” if i didn’t love you i wouldn’t be with you” thats what he always says and i have told him i do feel unloved at times and told him he doesn’t show me love or affection i just need some advise on what to do because like i said i do not want to break up with him but i might not have a choice i’m a female i have needs i need affection and attention once in a while… any suggestions? october 22, 2014, 7:39 pm dakota alright so whenever i read an article about guys behaviour i always end up thinking that is just asinine and it actually really pisses me off lol. i think needing something from your significant other is perfectly acceptable. there are things you need to do/have in a relationship for it to be happy and healthy. though i’m not perfect and don’t have much relationship experience i’ve read enough to know that realtionships take a lot of work, and having to baby a man and having to praise him to get him to do something to make me feel appreciated or loved is just sad. i make sure to let my boyfriend know how much i appreciate him and love him when he’s doing stuff right, but i should be able to just be an adult and express my needs and get a little angry when i’m not being heard. i don’t think that’s unreasonable… if he can’t be told what you need from him and work to make it happen then why should you have to do the work of having to stifle yourself and not express your needs while he gets to get a gold star and a cookie for doing something he should just want to do on his own? talk to his girlfriend? and since guys don’t work the same way we do we need to be able to express that while he may be fine with little contact, to feel connected we need more. i’m mostly getting from this that you have to manipulate your man to do things cause he’s a big baby and cant handle being asked to do a little work to keep us happy… which is what it takes to give someone what they need if it doesn’t come naturally. you’re making it sound like having any needs makes us “needy” (which in the literal sense it does but thats not exactly what people mean when they say that). i think you focus too much on the neediness, rather than a way to express our needs (which we all have) without a guy jumping to “she’s needy”, i’ve been needy, i know the difference, and sometimes i do it without even thinking about it, and in the moment it doesn’t seem that way and then i’m like “wow how pathetic” later on. but i also have times where i can look back and think the way i behaved myself was perfectly reasonable, but i was still labled as needy. though those are usually the times where the guy wasn’t all that into me so he just didn’t really like that i was talking to him when it wasn’t what he wanted. but those situations make me feel like i have to watch my every move and just can’t do what comes naturally because guys are so hung up on stupid crap like that. anyway my point is i really feel like her question was actually answered, and that a lot of crucial points were not made or discussed. though i appreciate what you are trying to do here i find that its often lacking and its sad cause this is one of the sites that comes up most when i’m trying to find answers. october 17, 2014, 10:32 am dakota was not* damnit october 17, 2014, 10:35 am jen thumbs up on that! december 16, 2014, 1:36 am reid thank you so much for that, i believe that if you know your guy loves there is no need to wait for his phone call or text. i think what girls have to do is if he doesn’t call or text you also don’t have to because after a while he will surely do that and he will call you august 10, 2014, 7:02 pm jules ..feel so ashamed tho..wish i read this sooner july 26, 2014, 6:12 pm jules hi eric, i realize i’m v guilty of almost every fault u mentioned here. i’m in a ldr with my bf who i believe really loves me and since i didn’t hv a v active life i’ve been really needy. pls i need clues on how to redeem myself cos my boyfriend has kinda withdrawn..pls help me july 26, 2014, 6:03 pm deepali rathod thank u very much eric charles and sabrina alxes for helping and guiding on right part. 1 question is there how will come to know what the boy wants because he didnt tell and we have make out from face or expression. waiting for ur . july 19, 2014, 3:25 am anki very much convincing and helped me to understand where i was going wrong :) thankyou so much july 16, 2014, 9:10 am vicki saunders my boyfriend has been under alot of stress from work health issues and two bestfriends who are moving out of state. since then hes been more withdrawn from me and more snappy and critical of me and the kids. i dont know if hes just taking his frustrations out on me or if hes unhappy being with me. ive told him to go if hes unhappy he asked why i was so eager to get rid of him. he was alot nicer after i said this to him.he also has very little interest in sex and dr says his teststorone levels are very low. i have trouble talking to him without it starting a fight. it is damaging my self esteem. i need advice is my reltionship fixable or is it doomed? june 30, 2014, 10:47 am sarah hi eric, i love all the advice you give in these articles, they’ve really helped save my sanity a few times. so before i start off i just want to say thank you :) my boyfriend and i have been dating for about 2 months now. this is my first real relationship. in the beginning he was super affectionate and sweet and everything was great. then he started pulling away and i’ve read your article about why men do this and it helped me understand some. i’ve talked to him about it and he said things like “i’m sorry beautiful” and “i know i need to try harder”. and after that conversation he did, for a few days, he’s kept the contacting me thing, but he’s no longer affectionate except for the occasional ????. which, isn’t much at all. now recently i went on vacation for 2 weeks without him to see my grandfather, who was sick and later died, and he never said he missed me, before i left he just gave me a quick side hug and went off with his friends, he never asked when i was coming back, and the whole thing just made me feel as though he’s perfectly fine without me and wether i’m there or not is irrelevant…i’m back now and he hasn’t asked to see me or anything similar (face time), we just text. i’ve been acting much like what you described here: so yeah, you can need all you want. but it’s not putting positive energy into the relationship. it’s not going to make the guy turn around and say, “wow, this woman who is constantly upset, constantly demanding reassurance and using our relationship as an emotional crutch is really fulfilling to me.” and i’ve asked him recently how he was feeling in this relationship, he said he was happy and asked “wbu?” to which i said “i’m happy with you, but i’m bothered by something. not so much bothered as confused” and i really am. but i don’t want to do the whole “tell me you care about me!” thing like you’ve described. can you tell me how i can fix this? i know i’ve been a little clingy, i’ve been trying not to be by keeping busy, but sometimes i can’t help it and it really hurts. june 18, 2014, 1:12 pm sarah the question marks were supposed to be a kissing emoji june 18, 2014, 1:14 pm jamie what if i tried saying things like “i like when you text to see how i’m doing!” but he doesn’t change, like it doesn’t make him do it more? we’ve been together 4 years and i feel like he’s bored. he no longer is affectionate, he calls/texts at the end of his day. but if i do that he tells me i’m being distant and if there’s someone else?? i’m just tired of all ways being the giver (affection, communication, ect) like he can’t even ask me how my day was, the first thing he does is talk about him and then when there’s nothing to talk about it’s like oh yea and you? may 1, 2014, 9:13 am maryjayne wow. you pegged me perfectly. ldr, distant interaction creeping in from him. i recently started freaking out. the fear took hold, and the obsession of what’s going wrong. all of the q’s you listed and everything you said that goes through a person’s mind down to the agony. i addressed it and he said “dont worry about how i feel about you, i’m just personally stressed.” but it still hurts. i said i just wanted him to express that he was looking forward to seeing me this weekend. it will be the second time in 3 months. he avoided responding. i just want to go and enjoy the trip. i don’t want to spend anymore energy on feeling upset/confused although i desperately miss the affection that he tuned down to minimum, and i am still in shock at when/ how it happened (over the last month slowly?) especially after reading this i’m going to let it go and let him wonder why i went from being ‘needy’ to not giving a crap. i do love him and have a lot invested already but if he comes back to me so be it. if not so be it. this was emotionally exhausting and i don’t want to feel that anymore. we’re both thirty something and i personally can’t play games. if he wants to be with me he will act like it…i’m moving back in a few months so hopefully the ldr won’t kill before then if we are right for eachother. unfortunately i have to put my heart on the backburner and just chill out, be casual, try to have fun and be myself in the meantime. i don’t deserve how he’s been to me, but i’m not going to give it anymore energy either. april 3, 2014, 5:17 am aislynn so i read this, and i made the mistake of creating that downward spiral, he even told me he’s just tired of proving he cares and we got in a lot of fights, and then took a break thing but we both didn’t want to call it that, because neither one of us really want to leave each other. afterwards he told me he still loves me and basically never stopped and we decided to forget the whole thing happened. we have been dating for 17 months, the first 14 months were not long distance, the last 3 have, its just been so hard on me cause i’m not used to it. i just want to know we’re still salvageable, how can i recover and make him want me like crazy again? cause i feel like we’re fine now, but i want him to adore me like he used to. and how can i tell him how i feel without rehashing the past or making him tired, or should i even try? thanks for any responses (: october 5, 2013, 1:05 pm sara i think eric is misunderstanding the situation. the whole neediness label invalidates a women’s judgement. if a woman knows that in her heart, the distance the man is creating will lessen her feelings for him and drive her away, she has every right to feel upset, sad, hurt etc and express to her partner the relationship is dying because it is for her. she will eventually abandon and seek a more attentive partner. would you advise a man who desires sex more than his partner to not express his need? would you tell him he is being needy and shouldn’t need sex with a woman to be happy? of course not. all this article is saying is that men are entitled to their needs and we are not. this is wrong. we have the right to fulfill our needs with a loving partner. if he is off, not spending time with you, not staying in contact, not nurturing the relationship, please don’t waste any more time trying to figure o ut what you are doing wrong, or label yourself as needy because you would like to spend more time with him. guys can be selfish sometimes, surprisingly this article fails to mention that. august 7, 2013, 11:11 pm anais i understand your perspective but i don’t think the core of eric’s advice was trying to say she isn’t allowed to feel upset about not hearing from him. i think he said what he did to give her the mindset that she appreciates him but she doesn’t need him to live. so when expressing her needs, she shouldn’t make it sound like her boyfriend his hurting her on purpose. with your example of a man wanting more sex with a woman, same thing. he is allowed to feel upset about it, but if he were to commute this desire as if it were owed to him and come from a place of entitlement, she wouldn’t appreciate that most likely and it would sound “needy” to her. also this girl has no direct control over her boyfriend but she can influence him to do better. the power of influence and persuasion is one of the greatest gifts women have with men. eric did give advice on how to express her wants at the end without sounding “needy”. “i love it when you call, it’s always so great to hear from you” men understand women most of the time when they are spoken to that way. i do it all the time now, even outside dating. i find that a lot of guys are selfish clueless about what to do to make a girl happy these days. i don’t know if it’s because a lot of women accept the bare minimum in committed relationships or what. at the end of the day, whether or not the guy cares shows if he changes how he is behaving. if he changes it, he cares. if he doesn’t he doesn’t care enough and she should leave him. august 23, 2013, 12:33 pm anais fixing first paragraph for typos and clarity :-) i understand your perspective but i don’t think the core of eric’s advice was trying to say she isn’t allowed to feel upset about not hearing from her bf. i think eric said what he did to give her the mindset that she appreciates her bf but she doesn’t need him to live. so when expressing her needs, she shouldn’t make it sound like her boyfriend his hurting her on purpose. with your example of a man wanting more sex with a woman, same thing. he is allowed to feel upset about it, but if he were to communicate this desire as if it were owed to him and come from a place of entitlement, she wouldn’t appreciate that most likely and it would sound “needy” to her. august 23, 2013, 4:55 pm ashley i loveeeeee everything you said!!! june 4, 2013, 8:50 am j.d dear eric, i’ve been in a ldr for almost 8 months now. since our relationship has started i’ve been the one doing the traveling, mostly due to his economic situation, that he is unemployed for the moment and that everything is cheaper where he lives… my money situation isn’t the best either, with me being only a student with the occasional substitute job, yet now in april it will be my second time traveling to see him plus i am going to be there for two months in summer. is it too much from me to ask/expect him to come see me with his money situation? should i decrease my traveling after the summer, so he will put some effort into finding a job and saving money to come see me himself? march 3, 2013, 5:21 am dianne i am beginning to think that if you feel the “need” to write to eric bc you have a relationship problem, it is pretty much a uncertainty that you are trying to have a relationship with a man that doesn’t give a crap. reading this same dynamic over and over is painful. why do women give up their power? this is a very sad state of affairs. february 24, 2013, 8:00 pm dianne auto correct mistake, i mean certainty february 24, 2013, 8:02 pm helen good stuff, eric! soooo appreciate your and sabrina’s insights. i found and bought your book several weeks back. loving the emails too. have been super helpful 2 months ago met a great guy out here in ca – visiting from ny. long distance sure is a whole different ball of wax. very frustrating…:( but im enjoying the relationship and just trying to roll with things. i think i’m having a hard time with the whole “defining” the relationship bit though. ive read your book but not sure how to realistically handle this right now. kinda don’t feel right about dating other guys even though we are not “official” or exclusive… unless you have some other, better thoughts, im just trying to relax, enjoy the ride and see where it goes… i really don’t want to push him or make him feel pressured. we really are only just starting to know each other. spent 4 amazing days together, but that’s all. i was supposed to go out this week to be with him but my grandpa got sick and passed away so had to cancel. i love what you guys say about neediness being a mindset. absolutely life-saving (or at the least, relationship saving. lol) anyway, this is all rather scattered – i wasn’t intending on commenting – just got a little carried away:) thanks for what you are doing. january 22, 2013, 12:15 am ren hi eric and everybody, you still there? happy new year! i’m in a pickle. been with my boyfriend for two tests. i feel like he is the down in control of our relationship. when he wants to mess about its fine, but when he is in a bad mood and i want to mess about to distract me, he gets very angry. if i don’t want hugs, he thinks it’s fine to seek that physical affection from me, but when i seek it and he doesn’t want it, he calls me needy. i don’t think.i’m needy, i simply have my emotional needs once is a while. it’s funny how he only notices me being ‘needy’ when he wants space. also when i say i would like to talk and he does something on the computer, he will say: we can talk after i have finished what i’m found. he also accuses me that i want things my way and he won’t talk to me only because i ‘ demand’ it at that moment. if my friend told me all what i’ve just written i’d say the guy is a selfish git. how would you see it? january 4, 2013, 3:45 am ren i meant *years not tests, sorry january 4, 2013, 3:46 am justine adjaka hello i am a matured woman of 30 years i met my guy from canada two years ago, we started dating he made me believe that he is so much in love with me. he come to my home to eat meal with me and my family and spent time with me. he left back in three month and propose to marry me. since then i spoke to him only twice on phone he later change his cell number so i coudnt reach him and he never called. he came back in a year time and just told me ” i am sorry but i cannot be with you anymore, i had a lot of stress back home and i got myself a girlfriend whom i marying soon so i cant be with you beside i feel nothing for you anymore so i just want to be a platonic friend” we broke up. he came back again after one year now and started chasing after me all over tthat he want to see me, there then his girfriend was suppose to join him back here but he told the girl wouldnt like africa because he is in africa now and iam an african too. so when the girfriend came the spent two weeks together and soon she left he started calling me again, then one thing lead to another and another we started having sex then he confess to me that he love me and that he is been a fool . how can a man who says he doesnt feel anything for me in point in time feel something for me now? is it that because i seems happy with my job and contended with my life then and no more stress over him like before? this time he want to see me often and call me but three from now he hasnt been calling me again all of a sudden, he is actually working on a project in africa too that is hectic. i am the only person that call him now and he doesnt even call me. i sent him a message to encourage of his love for mee and that i know that he is a good man, but i do not want him to hurt me anymore like he did in the past. the next day he call me to check on me and wanted to meet me but i couldnt make it up to him. just after that he did not call again so i decided to stop calling him. i am confuse what do you think about this man, do you think he loves me? what should i do? please tell me something november 3, 2012, 3:41 am jc what an interesting story. did he call you ? what happened after? i think he really loves you. do not give up. september 27, 2013, 1:02 pm hi eric hi eric so i have been reading your articles on neediness adn i can truely say i have been needy in my past relationships. i will give you a lil background. i have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. next weekend being our one year anniversary… he has an avoidant attachment style. he is very focused on his school and work when he needs to be, gives me his full attention when he spends the weekends with me. he is very loving, caring, giving, helpful adn initimate. but when we are not together during the week, when im working and he is in school he doesnt alwys initiate contact. in teh oast i have told him when he does it it makes me eveyr happy to hear from him and immediately he says he will do more of it adn does it. this last week i ahev been feeling very low adn angery, so after one year i blew up at him. i miss understood his text adn told him that his words are hurtful and insulting. he ofcourse was not happy about that because he was saying “we had a full weekend together nad we will have anotehr one soone nough”…… the next day i got invited for beers by his friends adn was asked to convince him to come out cuz he was staying home to do his homework. i nicely said i got invited and the boys want me to convince you to come. he immediately replied back saying he couldnt cuz he has class at 8 am. i asked if i could go adn have a few bews and he said have fun and apologized. i said i understand and respect his dedication. i drunk dialed him that night (first time i ahev drunk dialed him 1 year) and was very sad and crying. he asked what was wrong adn i asked if everything was ok with us. he said yes, why wouldnt it be? and i said cuz lately i dont hear much from you adn thought maybe something happened. he said no and that its only been two days since we have talked and i said yes i undertstand that but that can be a long time when all i w3ant is just to hear your voice. he said i ahve told you, you can call me whenever, in which i replied yes i know that but when i do not hear from you for three days i assume you are busy with school work, so i become fearfukl in callimng you cuz i am afraid im going to annoy you. he said im not always studying, adn i said well i dont know that, when i dont hear from you i assume you are, adn teh last thing i want to do is distract you from your studied cuz i know you are afraid of the future adn where you are going with your career. i have a full time job, make great money, have my own place, my own car adn he lives the life of a typical student. adn i understand how that can be intimidating or fearfuk to a guy. anywho. so the nect day he messaged me asking how i was so i decided take the lead and call. we spoke for anotehr ten minutes about our day and how he classes were. i ended the conversation with my apologies for blowing up at you and the drunk call. i was having a bad day and miss read your text and blew up at you. and just like you dont like to lose control of your emotions when you drink, this is why i dont drink cuz i get all wemotional adn lose control he said he undertood and i said i will make more of an effort to call you and he said he will too. i asked him to call me the nexy day at a specific time and he did. ten minutes earlier when initially when i asked he said he is going out with the boys and he might not be able to. he did. but i did not talk about myself at all. something happened in his family that he does not want to share yet so i brought up a hilarious story his friends had told me and in minutes i had him laughing adn telling me about this camping trip. he spoke the entire 10 minutes and i ended it with, your friend are waiting for you, go out and enjoy a few brews, you have deserved it. but then again the nesxt day nothing. notta. so i snet him a text saying good morning and i hope you have a better day. he said hi 2 hours later and i was busy at work so 4 hours later i said hi and thats all…… now here i am freaking out that i have already ruined teh relationship by drunk dialing him, he doesnt call cuz he thinks im needy and is trying to sever ties…… am i overthinkign this? am i still in the good? can i redeem this? and how? please help eric. thank you g september 23, 2012, 11:43 am kelly hi eric! (or anyone!) i was wondering if you could shed some light on my situation personally. i am in a long distance relationship. we have been together 2+ years. in feb, we broke up and were on and off for a bit. we broke up three times, and the third was in march. we broke up because some girl friended me on facebook who was his mutual friend and had written something on his wall about him being with some girl all the time. i confronted him about it. he said they were just friends. then, we met that weekend and i looked through his phone. the girl that he said was his friend had texted him. i asked about it and he broke up with me for lack of trust. i did not contact him for 4 weeks. after four weeks, he texted me saying he loved me and always would. he asked to get back together and talked about marriage/kids. (we are young but it was still nice to hear–i’m 22 and he’s 24). i saw him briefly in may and then just visited him last weekend. i had been studying for the mcat. we had a nice weekend, but i saw him texting that girl. they did not text a lot, but it still happened. also, he left me at his apartment to pick up his nephew that we babysat for a bit. his best friend’s girlfriend lives close to where his nephew lives and she is best friends with the girl in question. i know he was just picking a kid up.. but i dont know why i did not go? also, he will not be my friend on facebook because of what happened and he says i take it too seriously and that it does not matter. he does not always tell me what he is doing or who he is with. he will sometimes say it does not matter because i do not know them or something like that.. i understand everything…. i guess, but do you think i am being horrible. we talk once a day on the phone for like 20-30 min and text a little bit because he said he is tired after work. he works with kids outside 12 hours a day. i asked him if he wanted to be together forever and he said yes. we discussed med school and my possible relocation to some random state and he said my future should not depend on him since he is in school too. i would like to know if i am being completely insane and need to work on myself and things will change or if i should talk to him about it? if so, how? i do not want to turn it into an argument. also, is repeating yourself a horrible thing for a guy? should i think that because he said it once and we are still together things havent changed in the 3 months we have been together and that he came back and obviously wants to be with me? would it make sense for him to be with me and put in effort if he had a girl that was not long distance? thanks!!!! june 26, 2012, 2:08 pm paige i’m not in a needy mindset, i am not needing my boyfriend to do certain things to fulfill me. what i am trying to figure out is if we are a good fit for each other and if we both, like eric said, “give a crap about each other.” it recently has not been feeling like my boyfriend does. we have been together almost a year and suddenly he is different. when were together things are great, but it doesn’t seem like he is putting forth as much effort as he had been and i feel like he doesn’t want to spend as much time with me anymore. i am willing to walk away from the relationship, i am not going to wait around for him to decide what he wants, however i do want to be with him. so how can i express that without coming off as needy or like i am giving him an ultimatum? i want to work things out not end things, but if he isn’t sure i am not waiting around. may 21, 2012, 12:02 am ally o' mally dear anybody, i’m a 19 year old college student and i’ve been in a long distance relationship with my military boyfriend for 3 years. things have been absolutely terrible for the past month! ever since i’ve made new friends and got really drunk (for the first time) at a party. he’s been extremely controlling of me lately; playing mind games with me to keep me down, and trying to get me to stop hanging out with my friends. red flag! i love him with all of my heart and i know he feels the same way, but we just keep fighting over stupid things. like why i didn’t call him at a certain time, or how i should’t have gone to the beach, or gone to a friends house, or gotten my homework done on time to call him. its gotten crazy! i finally lost it and told him how i feel, and that i couldn’t take it anymore, but we keep getting into petty arguments and i feel stuck. i feel like if i break up with him i’ll be making a huge mistake. we’ve been so close before and it felt like he was the one i’d be with forever. it was beautiful. but now i just wait for us to start fighting again. how do i end a relationship with someone that i’m in love with? we’re falling apart and it hurts like hell but i don’t know what to do anymore. my heart is breaking. please help me, ally may 18, 2012, 3:39 pm maddy dear ally, i am so sorry to hear what you are going through. unfortunately i understand – to a certain extent – how you feel. your post really resonated with me and i wanted to share my story with you, which is fairly similar to yours. i just graduated from college this may (yay!) and was in a relationship that started with such intense passion about two years ago during a summer trip. :) we hit it off perfectly in every way possible. like you, i could actually see a future with him. i really thought it would last forever. however, our short time together (physically) was interrupted by long distance for almost two years. the first year we made it through okay but after that things started to go downhill. communication decreased, we argued about petty things. usually we talked our way through it, as a team, but after two years of college and extremely little communication it was tough to turn around. we even had a trip planned to see each other this summer. this is where i feel terrible, but i just officially ended our relationship the night before our trip. the entire week before that i realized we weren’t going to go back to what we had before the distance came between us. we had tried to improve multiple times and both of us failed to do so. neither of us were able to prioritize the relationship like we once did. i have also grown and changed in the past two years during our ldr. college is a time to come into yourself as an individual and learn more about who you are. the amount of growth i experienced between when we last saw each other and this visit was two years’ worth. that’s a lot of time and a lot of growing. there are several other factors that went into my decision but i won’t get into them here. i decided it was best if we officially ended our relationship. these words still hurt to say and write, but i know it’ll be okay. it was an emotional night and a rough skype conversation. i feel terrible about what i did (coming to this realization the night before the trip), but could not have dealt with making him come out to see me thinking it was a happy reunion. i left the invitation open for him to still come visit, but he understandably said no. i know he is mad at me with everything purchased for the trip, but i couldn’t make him visit if i knew deep down it was over. i love him, not at the level he deserves, and i know he loves me. it was an extremely difficult decision, but once i followed through with it i knew i made the right choice. i have no doubt that if we were never separated by distance we could have lasted forever. but i also know going forward what kind of work goes into understanding someone else’s needs in a relationship, and that i’m not ready for an ldr anytime soon. i learned a lot. i am glad to say i have felt a true connection of love with another individual at least once in my life. now i am taking time to learn more about myself, send quality time with girlfriends and guy friends, and explore the nooks and crannies of my city before i leave for graduate school. i know once i am happy and content with myself, another person with just as much passion for life will cross my path. i agree with eric. distance kills. but it doesn’t mean you can’t learn and grow all the same. whatever you decide to do, i wish you and your boyfriend all the best. i just wanted to let you know you are not alone. best wishes, maddy june 15, 2012, 8:38 pm kj3175 i would love some advice. going to give the short story.. been in a relationship with this guy for about 2 years. in the beginning he wld not fully commit. so i backed off. he started acting different and wanted to be exclusive after a while. we were doing great about 3 weeks ago i get a call that he has been talking and texting a girl that he was seeing when we first started talking and going out. they were not exclusive at the time and neither were we. but apparently when during their conversations a couple weeks ago he did not tell her that he was in a exclusive relationship with me. so she called me to find out what was going on. well me & the bf talked about all this and he had kinda giving me a heads up that she might call but to just let him handle it. after talking with her. we sat down and we talked about us and where we went from there. i know that they had just been talking and had not seen each other and we had really been doing good so i decided to stay with him and let’s work past this and we have been doing great. this past weekend we were at a local bar having a few drinks we both know the owner. the owner gets a phone call from a guy i dated over 18 years ago, he tells him we are there and he the owner hands me the phone. my bf was not sitting beside me at the time but walked back before i gave the phone back. this x bf and i ended our relationship as friends and have remand friends. i did not hide the phone call or who i was talking to. i have been with my bf all weekend. i stayed at home last night and before we got off the phone to go to bed, he made the comment don’t be up all night flirting. it just kinda threw me off guard and i said whatever. well i decided to text him this morning and ask him if something was bothering him that the comment he made about flirting just kinda threw me off..  he texted back that something is always bothering him and he was still thinking about me on the phone with an old flame with him there he didn’t know why i wld do that. i waited about 30 minutes to text back and this is what i sent him : me -rcalled e, e mention that we were there. he handed me the phone. asked how i was & if we as in me & you were there visiting..you heard most of the conversation. r and i have always remand friends. we dated over 18 years ago if not longer and we ended things as friends. i wasn’t trying to hide it from you and it’s not like he called my phone. i hate that it bothered you. i dont even consider him an old flame more like an old friend. here was his response: js …i walked bak in there and you was on the phone with him that’s all i new. i have not responded back just really don’t have anything nice to say back it aggravates me that i keep having to pay for his past relationship of being burned when in the last year i have gone out of my way to prove to him that i’m not like that and he can trust me. should i have responded different to his text and should i respond to his last text or just not text him back. i have not heard anything from him since he sent the last text. please please respond with any advice… thanks may 1, 2012, 12:23 pm kj3175 also on more than one occasion i have busted him talking to his ex. says its just talk and nothing to it.. may 1, 2012, 2:06 pm helen hey eric, i agree with you about ldrs. i’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and for the majority of that he’s been living 10000 miles away in australia. when i came back from a 3 month holiday there in september i got really bad depression and became very needy (i’ve never been like that before – i hate neediness). he broke up with me in january because he couldnt deal with the distance anymore (and my depression) which completely destroyed me. now we’re back together as he realised he’d made the wrong decision, and he’s decided to move back to the uk to be with me. my problem is that now i know how awful breaking up felt while i had depression i am constantly worrying that it could happen again. i’m not needy towards him anymore but when he goes for a few days without speaking to me i do the thing you describe above and create ‘what if?’ scenarios and panic and worry and its awful. i know he loves me and really cares about me and that my fears are unfounded, i just really need some advice on how to go about altering my mindset. thanks :) april 16, 2012, 6:53 am eric charles neediness is a mindset – it is created from having those fearful emotions stemming from fear of loss and the fear that you could never do better than him… . ultimately, you need to find the pathway to love where you can’t “lose” that other person. . true love, real love, is not about attaching yourself to the other person. nor is it like possessing them like an object. . true love is loving that person. that’s it. . anything else is just mind drama. . now granted, speaking to you as someone who’s experienced a good deal of depression, i can tell you that you need to take special care in your life to keep your mental state strong, fulfilled and happy. . personally, i’ve learned that i’m not someone that can live without exercise and a good diet. when i let myself go and stop exercising and eating right, it’s only a matter of time before depression creeps up for me. . there are other lifestyle choices that can lead me towards depression as well – caffeine addiction for one… i’m an avid coffee drinker and sometimes the feeling of caffeine withdrawal mirrors the feelings of depression – the fact that i realize this prevents me from labeling it as depression though. so there’s a degree of knowing yourself too… . finally, your overall life arrangement makes a huge difference. being surrounded by good supportive friends and people who love you is essential – not just to healing your depression but also to make sure you don’t have an emotional void (that you would then try to use your relationship to fill). . because we’re talking about depression here, i want to point out that i am not a doctor nor am i a “licensed professional” or giving professional advice. this is just me talking to you, some guy over the internet sharing his thoughts. so if you need professional help here, get it from a professional. . with all that said, your focus here needs to be on filling your life up with fulfillment, happiness and self-love from all different places – not just your relationship. and get rid of things and people that bring you down. ultimately you want to get rid of anything that fuels fearful thoughts… that will save you. april 16, 2012, 9:52 am helen thanks for such a quick response. that was really helpful :) april 16, 2012, 3:55 pm jenna hi eric, i stumbled on your site and am now compulsively hooked! never thought i’d ask a question like this in a public forum but here goes! is there any point in being remotely optimistic about a happy ending with a guy i knew 20 years ago? classic facebook reunion stuff – lots and lots of meaningful contact and about the here and now, not just the past but he’s since emigrated and is over 5000 miles away. we frequently talk about how we could meet up but realistically…? march 24, 2012, 2:25 pm eric charles 20 year reunion? sure, that could be possible. . 5000 miles away? yeah… that’s a problem. . people hate when i say this because they’re usually doing everything they can to nurse their idealistic optimism, but i always say: . long distance kills relationships. . now… you may meet up and hook up. but if your intent is for it to turn into some kind of committed / exclusive relationship… unlikely unless one of you is planning on moving across the world for the other. . if you want to hook up though… hey, go for it. march 24, 2012, 2:30 pm jade eric are you married? you surely don’t sound like it. relationships do need things if that’s the case the other partner gonna find it some place eles. correct yourself. because cus their nothing wrong with a women needing to have attention in relationship. ok so i’m a women and let me put it to you what the women really saying: i don’t want to give up.on the person i love but i need more out of him. i need more from him or otherwise this relationship is not going to work or i might cheat. secondly your wrong yet again. you may not think long distance relationship don’t work but in reality they do. army girlfriends and wives do it all the time. and many other people who i known do to. it goes like this: the longer the distance the harder the d*ck lol. so if he’s crazy in love with you he miss that. march 22, 2012, 8:38 am eric charles no, i’m not married. but being married or not does not make a person an expert in relationships… if it did, we wouldn’t have a soaring divorce rate in america. . and we need oxygen. we need food. we need water. those are needs. . when you look at a relationship like it’s oxygen and water, you end up ramping up your emotions and blinding yourself with intense inner turmoil. take it down a notch… . yes, we all want a relationship where the partner is reciprocating and giving to the relationship. but what i’ve found (and mind you, this is after literally 10 million+ women have rolled through my articles) is that when a person, man or woman, gets blinded by their own fears, worries, desires, nightmares, fantasies, etc…… they stop giving to the relationship and fixate on taking. . so yeah, you can need all you want. but it’s not putting positive energy into the relationship. it’s not going to make the guy turn around and say, “wow, this woman who is constantly upset, constantly demanding reassurance and using our relationship as an emotional crutch is really fulfilling to me.” . not going to happen. you get back what you put into relationships… doesn’t matter how emotional you get about your relationship. it matters what positive energy actually ends up going into your relationship. . and that’s why i talk about building yourself a strong, firm foundation emotionally. that’s why i talk about showing up whole to your relationship. that’s why i talk about being happy and fulfilled in your own life so that you don’t use your relationship as a crutch. . it’s because that foundation is necessary if you want a relationship where the guy is giving to your so-called needs. you gotta give a guy space to psychologically breathe. you have to shift your mindset from the immature “i *need* this…” to “i’m completely fulfilled and i can *provide* this…” . as for your views on long distance relationships, respectfully… i disagree. long distance kills relationships in the majority of cases. they don’t all fail… only in the majority of cases. march 22, 2012, 11:06 am ali right on eric! thank you for spelling it out this way….”it’s not going to make the guy turn around and say, “wow, this woman who is constantly upset, constantly demanding reassurance and using our relationship as an emotional crutch is really fulfilling to me.” ….whether it’s consciously or subconsciously, if this is a man’s reality of the relationship, of course he’s going to withdrawal and keep withdrawaling! and thank you for “doesn’t matter how emotional you get about your relationship. it matters what positive energy actually ends up going into your relationship.” i totally understand and relate to what the bloggers were saying about meeting relationship “needs” but for me, these two simple comments of yours brought your whole point across. it just hit me like a good hard slap of reality on my “emotional” tendencies towards analyzing a relationship even though i am aware of how a proactive and practical mindset is key to shifting the reality of the relationship….interesting blog all around. thanks again! march 23, 2012, 9:38 am g i think people misuse the word need for want. if you want your bf or gf to do something there’s no harm in giving that person positive reinforcement and praising all the wonderful things he or she does for you. if you find yourself dissatisfied in a relationship and not getting what you want and deserve then perhaps the way they give love is different then the way you do. time to walk away. i did from someone i loved very dearly. we both loved each other immensely but i’m not going to settle for less than i deserve. i’m happy with myself and even if i find a great connection with someone i’m perfectly willing to move on to be with someone that puts in the effort. my needs are met and i don’t rely on anyone for those needs. april 10, 2012, 7:52 pm belle that’s well said. i’ve been struggling to understand this needs vs. wants idea. i think the way this forum uses the word ‘needs’ is a bit different from how alot of people use it. i think many people refer to their relationship ‘needs’ when they really mean their ‘wants’. you said that you didn’t settle for less than what you deserve. what i still struggle to understand is that yes, i have to respect my relationship wants, but how do i know if they are unrealistic? how do i know if i’m wanting too much? is it just a general feeling… do you just have to clue in to yourself to sense any discomfort with the situation? for example, alot of girls ‘want’ their boyfriends to text them everyday, but this seems a little unrealistic. how do you decide what you will settle for? november 13, 2012, 9:22 pm lindsay i wanna add to what eric said, in regards to the building yourself up emotionally and even physically, the point of that is for you not for anyone else, if you make getting in shape the guy instead of about you, ur simply repeating old mistakes in a smaller pant size…he is telling you in essence, that when you are whole, and you are the most important person in your life, anyone else who comes into it cannot take that away from you…when ur confidence is genuine, u will experience hurt when necessary in a relationship, but you won’t ever feel you need anything from someone else that you can’t give to yourself…any person that you allow into your life in a meaningful way should reinforce the positive things you see in yourself, if that isn’t happening, the relationship or you need to change…about the long distance thing, maybe its more fair to state that long distance reltionships are far less likely to work than a regular one…i beleive a lot of factors play into it, how long have the two been togethr before the other moved? the longer they are together, or if their are children involved ( such as the army wife situation), how committed they both are at frequent trips to see one another, etc…it just depends, also if the distance is temporary, thats a huge factor, a lot of times if a couple knows they only have to tolerate it for a year, instead of indefinitely…they will make the effort…the 20 year reunion thing i would say is highly unlikley to work, not impossible, but the foundation of a strong reltionship is not there, to try and build one from a distance will be far more difficult…i can imagine…but if you are in love, its worth a shot! april 19, 2012, 2:50 am eric charles great comment lindsay – thank you for that. april 19, 2012, 10:20 am ginger hello, i have a question with follow-up contact after meeting a guy. i met a guy at a party and he waited 3 days to text me saying hello. that day, we exchanged close to 30 messages back and forth all day (in hind sight, i think this was a mistake). the next day we texted but you could tell that he was keeping his messages brief. he didn’t contact me the following day, which happened to be close to the weekend and hasn’t contacted me all weekend. i thought that he would have called /texted to ask me out this weekend, but not at all. so anyway, i cracked this morning and texted him asking him how he is and he hasn’t replied yet. what am i doing wrong? if he is not ing is it a polite way of saying he’ s not interested, or is he playing games or trying to take it slow… really confused. march 17, 2012, 3:42 pm jules maybe you should reword that to what the “relationship needs”. relationships do need things to survive, or they can’t breathe and they die. maybe that can put it back into proportion. march 17, 2012, 1:50 pm eric charles sure, but not everyone is a good match for one another. . and if i run around talking about how a relationship “needs” something to survive, it will put all of the readers right back in the same boat. . her boyfriend will be out sleeping with her best friends, forgetting or skipping their anniversary/her birthday, never returning calls or texts… and the girl will be freaking out over all this because she feels she has to give the relationship what it “needs”. . … when really, it would be a blessing for a relationship like that to fall apart because frankly that guy doesn’t care about her. . what a relationship “needs” is two people who give a crap about the relationship. and you can’t force that… so for those reasons i would not talk about relationship “needs”. march 17, 2012, 1:56 pm lindsay “what a relationship “needs” is two people who give a crap about the relationship” could not have said it better myself haha its exactly the point, u can spout out advice to us woman all you want, but one thing is certain, its all on the presumption that the other party (usually the boyfriend) gives a crap about the reltionship, some men stay in them because it comfortable or convenient, not because they care to revive a suffering one…excellent point :) april 19, 2012, 2:57 am eric charles true, true. :) april 19, 2012, 10:22 am vivian hi: i have been with my bf for nearly a year. recently i became pregnant (very stupid) i wanted to keep it, he didnt. i tried to convince him until the last minute, but in the end, i had to arrange the worst. i still regret it and will never forget it.. the problem is that i do all these things for him that always show him hes very important to me, and he doesnt even when i tell him i love him. his excuse is that he will say it when he really means it.. im getting tired of that and started questioning it.. he hates his job and how little he earns. what i really need him to give me, he doesnt. i always provide for us, so finacially i am not dependant on him. sometimes i feel that i can do better, but when i think of how i’ve been treated by other men, i kinda bite my tongue and put up with everything because better the devil you know.. its only some days when he thinks of himself first that i explode and everything that’s been annoying me comes out? what can i do? i am stuck. march 11, 2012, 4:59 am ally o' mally he loves you i’m sure, but maybe he has a problem sharing his feelings. you do deserve better, and you can do better. don’t ever think that you can’t. i feel the same way sometimes, but i know its wrong, and i think about if i’m getting what i want out of the relationship, and maybe if i can get more out of life by being single or being with someone else. you want to be happy. maybe you need someone who is a little bit more attentive to you and is less self absorbed. also, try to confess what annoys you in a less explosive way. may 18, 2012, 4:17 pm vivian k how to tell a guy u acknowledge them without sounding like you are soo into him!that he can get away with anything? march 4, 2012, 3:29 pm charlene hi, my x boy friend emailed me and said i am not sure what you want from me. what is he saying? february 29, 2012, 9:25 pm